Good morning!! I am running on about 4 cups of coffee (big no no to Mr. Z, I know) and about 13 hours of sleep, minus however long I talked to Andrew last night in the middle of it all.  Honestly, there have been a few days this week where I said I needed to blog and now that I am doing it I have no clue what to write.

I will start with my eating problem.  I did not get the chance to go to my counseling appointment this week because I chose training over talking.  I pay my trainer WAY more than I pay her and I def want this so skipping the gym is NEVER an option to me.  It's crazy how dedicated I can be to that but when it comes to eating it gets so tough! My trainer has been grading me each week on my diet, the first time I was at 65% and the second time I was at 67%  I was very proud of my progress because I know that for me, a week without binging is the biggest success and second to that is slipping on my diet and not letting it drag me down to the ground which usually happens.  For anyone with a binge eating problem, who also has competed or even has big dreams of just feeling sexy and fit this issue is HUGE.  No one can explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it the feelings and emotions we go through when we think we have failed.  That first thought at failure is the little devil in our minds, and she is a complete BITCH.  She will not stop putting things in your head until you have completely screwed up to the point where you go to bed so depressed you think you won't ever come out of it.  Then when you wake up she is right there waiting for you telling you that since you already failed you mind as well keep going.  This can go on for days, weeks, even months.  So when I decide to tell her to shut the fuck up and when I eat some oreos and 2 fries but then do not let it affect me the rest of the day that success is enormous to me!  

A lot seems to be changing in my life and although I feel as if I can handle it very well it doesn't come without at least a little bit of stress.  I finally put my two weeks in at Applebee's and it felt SO good.  Yes, I know I am leaving to go to another serving job but whatever, I will be making more money and if I don't I will keep searching.  I am so happy for this change that my happiness level went up a notch just handing that piece of paper in.  

My boyfriend/soulmate/best friend is also moving here in 14 days and I can not express to anyone just how happy I am!  My parents gave us the ok to stay above the restaurant and it has been stressful bc there is no furniture up there, I put it all in a storage for when we finally get a place of our own. FUCK. Well anyways I could care less if all we had was a mattress (which is what we have now) bc I can not wait to sleep next to him every night, hang out with him when we have time off, go places together, do things together as a couple, double date, sooooo many things we can do that we couldn't do before because we are long distance.  These are all things that I dream about doing with him and get a little upset each time I see a couple out together, happy as can be.  I am incomplete without him here.  He has really put forth the effort in making sure my family knows he is there for them, to help out when needed and they all really love him!  Good thing because he's staying in the family :)

A few other thigns occur here and there but this bitch has got to stop pussy footin around and get ready for strawberry picking!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just the beginning

I have no idea what my last blog was about and to be honest I really don't care, you get what you get and if I repeat things, deal with it or don't read it.  After losing my Grandma almost 2 weeks ago, moving stuff out of her apartment, going to a wedding, having my boyfriend here and then leaving in a flash I feel like "loss" is such a huge emotion that many people over look.  Think about it, you can lose people, you can lose things, a job, a house, a pet, you can lose yourself, confidence, etc.  There are so many ways to think of loss other than death, just ponder for a moment before you move on.....

I sit here and my head slightly hurts, I have no make up on and my hair isn't done.  I just got back from UB because we all know I can't do homework at home and I am proud to say that I got done what I needed to get done and more.  The whole time though I couldn't help but think about how much I missed my boyfriend.  This weekend so many amazing things, little and big, happened that allowed me to really see how much I mean to him.  I want to start with the fact that I told my mother we wanted to get married, she was thrilled but then making sure Dad knew was another story, once he found out he wanted to have a talk with us.  I know this is the man I want to marry and I know I am the woman he wants to marry.  I never realized how badly norms have a hold on us, Andrew and I would have gone Friday afternoon or Saturday morning but everyone else seems to think there is a time period that you need to wait.  I understand people don't think we know each other but on the flip side, no one knows our relationship.  I have never felt the way that I feel, sure relationships were similar, similar things happened, but not quite like this and I know the world is on our side, here is an amazing example.  The wedding was in Tonowanda, the reception was in West Seneca, both trips occuring between 330-530 on a Friday.  Now what do YOU think traffic was like?  Let me give you an idea, the driver, ME, became moody, irritated, annoyed and tired and in the same trip and ended up snapping at the other parties in the car (it was only my mother, Andrew and I).  When we got there we stepped away to talk, we weren't on the same page, both looking off into other directions not sure of where to take it both knowing that if something doesn't happen soon the night will be ruined over something absolutely ridiculous..my mouth,,again..gee, go figure.  I was also subconsciously uneasy about the whole food situation.  What were they having to eat?  What about the cake?  Should I eat it? What if I do will I want more?  Will I want to binge later?  Will eating the cake lead to a binge?  Should I not eat it?  Horrible,,Anyways...back to us walking away from the crowd...

All of a sudden, this lady comes walking down to us with a camera, her face is lit up, her smile a mile wide.  As soon as she gets close enough, she starts spit firing questions:  Look at you two, are you too next? are you married? engaged? how long have you been dating? Little did I know that this lady would be our guardian angel today.  She asked to take a picture of us by the little creek, obviously we said yes.  She looked at the photo and was over joyed with how beautiful it turned out and she wanted to take more commenting on how she loved us together, how in love we looked just by the way we looked at each other.  When she found out we only had been dating about 3 months her jaw dropped to the floor.  Long story short she got a bunch of shots of us looking at each other and what she captured was what we both needed to see, and exactly what we needed to get us out of the funk we were in.  Needless to say, we walked back to table 10 a happy couple again.  Food update on the wedding- I had the cake, a small slice with a scoop of ice cream and some candy.  At the end right before leaving, I strayed back over to the candy and Andrew was there to take it out of my hands and save me :)

Fast forward to the next morning when we are supposed to move most of my Grandma's furniture to a storage unit in Williamsville.  My dad gets there and said his truck wouldn't start.  I go tell Andrew and not even 5 seconds later he has his coat on and is out the door after my dad to try and fix it.  Meanwhile I start taking shit down, including a wooden table on my back, awesome morning workout.  I had to take the SUV there and unload and get everything set with the storage unit, come back and get to work by noon.  Although the morning was rushed I sometimes feel like I get a rise out of these types of situations, I like a fast paced world.  Anyways, I am at work, hear nothing, a few hours later get a picture of a couch stuck in the stair way and five minutes later an employee telling me to check my section.  Andrew was sitting there for like 10 minutes!  Turns out my dad's truck dying was life's way of saying Andrew and my Dad needed some time together!  Everything turned out perfect, he fixed the truck and my dad ended up passing down a kitchen chair with arm rests on it called the "Captain's Chair" to Andrew.  Once was his fathers and now Andrew's, you could only imagine my facial expressions at this point, my mind going wild thinking about my dad and my boyfriend bonding, something that has never happened, EVER to this extreme.  Add to that my sister giving him a hug and I am 99% sure that my family has not only accepted him but would love for him to be in the family!!

Words can not express what this weekend meant to me and I hope that when everyone reads this they can feel how I feel right now.  Although I am sad that he is back in Brewerton and I am unsure of when I will see him again I am so extremely happy that I have a man that loves me as much as he does and not only tells me but shows me.  Shows me by doing what he can for my family, helping them, talking to them and just being him.  He makes me better, he makes me stronger, he makes me happy.  He is my best friend, my boyfriend, my soulmate <3