River

A few weeks ago my handsome prince River was diagnosed with kidney failure.  Tests were done, he spent over a week at the hospital and still no one could figure out why.  Was it from animals roaming in the yard?  A poison?  Something from the breed?  To this very day we do not have an answer but we lost an amazing dog.  He got sick rather quickly and each time I saw him although he still wagged his tail with joy that he had a vistitor his eyes were still filled with sadness.  It killed me to see him like this but to think of the alternative made me want to puke.  My mother is absolutely amazing, bought basically every kind of food she could think of to try and get him to eat, laid by his side at night and gave it her best to make him better but it just wasn't working.  A friend of mine Jen, helped me through this, she gave me advice and told me that I needed to ask him if it was his time.  I thought she was crazy, how the fuck do I do that let alone do it without crying?  She reassured me that I have to be strong for him and be there for him because he can't make his own decisions and when I sat next to him I said "is it your time?"  He wouldn't look at me, he kept looking away so I kept telling him how much I love him, how I will love him forever, how he has made an impact in my life and I then asked in a different way.  I said to him "you don't want to do this anymore, do you?"  He turned his head and looked right at me and I saw those sad eyes.  He was struggling, we all knew it but we didn't want to say it that we would have to let him go.

I was at work on Sunday, I hada missed call and voicemail from my mom, worst thing every when something like this is lingering around, I debated on listening to it or calling her back.  One of the girls there encouraged me to do so and that if I needed to leave it would be ok that managers would understand and they did.  I went and met my family there and was with him during his last moments of life.  He didn't look like River laying there, there was not much life to him, and seeing him hurt made me hurt.  

After he was gone, my heart ached, a pain deeper than I could even begin to describe.  Anyone who has lost a pet can attest to this same pain but it's different for everyone.  All I know is that for me it hurt and it hurt even worse to see all of my family the same way.  

River lived a good life.  He was brought into a home with his sister, he loved to play and tug on things.  He didn't like to let go because frankly I think he liked pulling with all his strength.  He loved being outside with his sister, going for walks and getting people food.  Most of all he loved his dad, followed him around everywhere, in the yard, through the kitchen, at the table, in the living room and was a huge protector for all of us.

With all my heart I loved these dogs and I will forever hold them close to me <3 I know the pain will stay around for some time but I know I need to pick myself up and move forward.  I have a lot of things going on in my life and this just added to the pile of emotions.  In the end I know River is in a better place, that he is with his sister again, happy and healthy.  It is time for me to get back to that too <3

My handsome Prince River! Boy it has been a long time again since I have written a blog.  Last time was July 16th and to be honest I can't even think of where to start.  First of all I can't even begin to describe how I feel about River not being in this world much longer.  My heart aches, and the pain goes deeper than I will ever be able to touch or cure because we all know the biggest therapy are kisses from your dog.  He has given me trillions of kisses through the years and it is a struggle to come to terms with his illness.  He has kidney failure, won't eat and could pass very soon.  I really hope with all of my hope that he will pass in his sleep at home before any decisions have to be made, otherwise he will just starve and that it's fair.  What also isn't fair is seeing how excited he gets to be home, to see family and just his overall ....I don't know what you would call it, I got this far and I am already crying.  I love him so much and after just losing his sister back in December the pain is all too familiar.  I can honestly say I never grieve like this towards a human and as awful as that may sound maybe it's because I have no lost someone so very close to me but I will always say that our pets get closer to us than anyone in the world.  I know how much he loves us and how much we love him I selfishly do not want him to go but wish he would go on his own instead of having to do it the other way.  

Getting a puppy is so exciting and I remember all of the things they used to do.  When we first got them they would literally sleep on top of each other, bother and sister, as close as they could get.  They would often sleep butt to butt like they were mirror images of each other.  The loved to play and they loved to be loved just like any other dog.  Rain was very playful, always had the ball in her mouth.  Wouldn't matter where the ball was either because as soon as you asked her "where's your ball" she would walk away and return with it in her mouth, tail waggling.  She had a darker coat than River, her face was blacker but she was always happy and excited to be outside, my Rain girl, just like River boy. They loved laying on my bed and even when they were full grown would both lay up there together.  Sometimes, now more often, I feel guilty for leaving him behind and moving out.  Maybe he got sick bc of all the loss in his life, I'm sure dogs can experience the same things as humans, right? Constantly following my Dad around, where ever he went.  Sitting by him at the dinner table getting up as soon as he would move his leg.  Following him around the yard while he does his yard work too.  He is a protector, didn't like anyone but his own family, always made sure he was on the look out for intruders day or night.  We always said he would have made an awesome police dog but glad that he ended up in our home.

If I could label anything in my life that is the worst thing to experince it would be a dog leaving the world.  I don't know about anyone else and quite frankly don't currently give a shit, but for me, because I am selfish Talia, it hurts, it hurts deep and I could spend days in my bed crying if it were sociologically acceptable to miss work for a week.  One thing I am happy about through this whole thing is what an amazing boyfriend I have.  I never in my life had someone who cares for me as much as he does, who worries about me like he does, and whom wants to be there for me like no one else has.  He too, is losing a pet in Syracuse and I can not even imagine what he is going through not being able to go drive out there and see her.  If it was me I would be going every weekend or as often as I could charging gas etc.  I love him so much and can't wait to marry this man because selfish Talia wants him all to herself.

Through all this my sister also had major brain surgery.  This was tough too, it came out of nowhere.  Luckily she is ok and I find myself wanting to be there for her more than I ever have.  I have a lot of things going on and I know she needs me too, along with a lot of other friends and family.  Seems like we are all going through a lot and dealing with it all in different ways but in the end I need to realize just how beneficial it is to keep people in my life rather than pushing them away so I can be alone.  I love being along when I am sad, I don't want anyone to bother me, I just want to lay in my bed and cry.  In fact crying in my car and while doing cardio are two very familiar places for me.  No one can see me in my car expect people passing by that I will never see again and when I do cardio I really don't care.  I have been to that gym long enough to know only a handful of people would even come over just to say hi.  

I am trying to be strong and for me these are my weakest moments especially for my ED.  I have been holding it together pretty well and thats all thanks to a few very important people in my life.  Andrew, Ami, Ginelle, Chelsea, Audrey, Deanna, Ashley B., Jen T., Kelley and all of my facebook girls willing to be there for me whenever I need them.  <3