Woman crushes

I thought the title might entice others to read :)  Obviously it worked because here you are!  Well yes, I do admit I have woman crushes and if we can't admit that then we are lying to ourselves.  Does it mean I will turn into a woman lover?  Nah, I have the man of my dreams (no worries Andrew).  A girl can appreciate a hot body because this is what she dreams to achieve too, all motivation, inspiration and love!  Of course I am jealous of some of ya'll out there right now but this picture above explains it all and I do have the power to change, it may take time and I have to be easy on myself and allow nmyself to make mistakes but I know I have control.

This morning I woke up and it was bright as fuck in our room.  I slightly panicked and thought holy shit it's like 1 in the afternoon and I will have time to do nothing, ridiculous thoughts going on and since I didn't have my contacts in I had to squint really hard to see that it was only......830!  YAY!!!!  So I know, laying there for a minute that there are still some junk foods in the house from yesterday....I think about what I'm going to do...go back to sleep, get up and go to the gym?  I think a big part of this disorder are the thoughts, they are so consuming, they take over sometimes and it's almost like it makes it worse to try and think differently but I know I will never change if I don't try....What will I decide?  Well I got my ass up, tossed the not so nutritious food consumption thoughts out the window and make my healthy breakfast.  I also decided to hit the gym early and as soon as I can scrape myself away from facebook and writing blogs I can get there sooner so I have time to lay poolside before my class.

Thinking ahead, I have 6 classes in the next 1.5 weeks all 8 hours and go from 845-430, more than half of me is telling myself that I better arrange to get to the gym BEFORE class because there is no way in hell I am going to want to go after.  So here I go...get ready to hit the gym, get my hamstring workout in, cardio in and then enjoy the day before class!!

Control

New job. New living situation.  Old problem. Two very huge changes in a small amount of time especially the living situation.  I have never lived with another man, not to mention a boyfriend and honestly never thought the day would come.  I do though, have someone who works hard, who moved his life for me and I feel like my old problem which is still my current problem (BN) is hindering me from being the Talia we both once knew.  

The major thing here is that I KNOW what I am capable of, I know I can lean out, stay on a competition diet and strut my sexy shit across that stage like I have been doing it for years (ok maybe not that cocky) but still, I HAVE done it before and so why is it so hard to get that back now?  Control.  Thanks to Whitney, I had an epiphany over this little but huge word! I know what I am doing, sometimes I want to do it, sometimes I know even if I try to avoid it, the thought is still there, from the time I wake up until the time I let that first bite hit my mouth.  It's hard when your body image and confidence reflects how you feel about yourself and if one is negative chances are so is the other.  I'm a waitress, have been for as long as I can remember, was doing it since I was old enough to and for those of you who don;t know, we are damn good actressess/actors.  I think the best kind!  Why?  because we have to go out on that "floor" and no matter what mood we are in, no matter what is bothering us, no matter what happened before we came in, the night before or what we are worried about happening after we have to put aside and fake being excited to serve them today even if they annoy the fuck out of us and we want to push them off of their chairs.  I also think it's control.  I can't control how much longer I have until I graduate, I can't control arguements that may happen between Andrew and I and so as much as I know I hate having an issue with food I literaly am in control and I know it that's the most fucked up part.  I wake up and KNOW it's going to happen and I ALLOW IT TO !!!  That makes no fucking sense but this disorder doesn't make any sense either, well of course it does but for me, going through it, living in it for over 5 years, it fucking sucks because it's a constant cycle.  The battle to know the difference between extremes and moderation, I once knew it but the deeper I got into fitness the further apart I spread good foods and bad foods.

The even shittier part is trying to expain this to people who have no fucking clue.  Who think a binge is eating a whole bowl of lettuce, people who barely eat three meals a day and people who question why you are carrying around a gallon of water every day!! Seriously sometimes it gets to the point where SHUT THE FUCK UP might be the next four words out of my mouth.  As I type this profanity, I also wonder whether or not taking myself off of the pill because I am inbetween health insurances and can't get my vagina checked has anything to do with my hormones.  Still, can I use that as an excuse for projection?  My boyfriend doesn't seem to think so and I know I have the control to determine whether or not he sticks around for much longer.  

After this long rant the bottom line is I know I have the control.  I choose on a daily basis all of what I consume.  Well I know I do NOT choose to give up, I do NOT choose to quit and I most definitely do NOT choose failure.  I will be a success story, I will get to the top and when I'm at the top I will give my hand to anyone who needs the help getting to that same place!  Social work power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ginelle come with me !!!!!!

A work in progress

Being a student in the Social Work program and realizing that most of the time we will have to make a diagnosis on someone for insurance purposes is tough.  Now that I have been labeled I can see where it is important for the therapist to make sure they don't use that label or refer to it at all. I most certainly do not want to be know as the girl with an eating disorder and although I knew that had to have been apart of me for over 3 years I know now that I am slowly making the steps to get better.

So my second session was this past Tuesday and the night before my boyfriend and I got into an argument about something that I can't even remember.  I ended up eating some dorito chip mix because I was craving it and I figured why not try and just eat some.  Well I did and after I started to feel that guilt.  I then realized I had to weigh in at my appointment and suddenly I went from being ok with it to going to bed feeling depressed.

The time came to head to my appointment that day and I went with butterflies in my stomach with thoughts all about a number.  What if it's higher?  I know it is, I consumed a ton of sodium yesterday (is what I think to myself).  Sure enough I am right and I went up three pounds which absolutely killed me.  I tried not to let it show but then realized, this is for YOU Talia, let her know this is something that bothers you.  SO ..I did and I was glad I did.  She exaplained to me that the weekly weigh in is for monitoring and that I need to realize that it was ONLY three pounds. She also said she doesn't want me to have a specific goal weight in mind yet and to focus on staying within a 6lb weight range.  I know that our bodies fluctuate our weight depending on what we do/don't do, what we eat etc and so I should know this but it's very difficult to keep in mind when everything is focused on body image and how far away I am from where I want to be.

My homework for the next few weeks because she will be out of town is to do more close monitoring, to bracket off meals, to be more descriptive when I write in comments and to just to focus on eating healthy and eating the not so nutritious stuff in moderation.

This shit isn't easy, I slipped up that night because I was stressed and arguing with Andrew (ya'll are probably starting to wonder if that's all we ever do- we are over it now) but at the time as I sat there I KNEW there were chips left over and I KNEW we had to go to the store and shop and so I didn't do a Talia all out binge but I did over eat and so I call it a mini binge bc I know it could have been worse but it still happened.  This is where I also need to step into myself and look at it from a different angle, think about what I consumed and be proud that I didn't let it go further than I did.  To be honest it was nothing compared to what a normal binge for me would be and I stopped.

So today I woke up and started to feel quilty and worthless and like I mind as well binge all day since I did the night before but somehow, I don't know how..ok suppose I did, I just talked myself into eating healthy.  I thought about how much food we got that was all healthy and the fact that we didn't even have any bad food to eat anyways and the only access I had was food my dad sells downstairs but I wasn't going to get that.  So I got up and started the day and made a new recipe for my oatmeal and made the day mine!

Baby steps I will get there.  I will reach my goals.  I will binge less, I will be able to eat things in moderation, I will compete again, I will do photo shoots, I will get into Oxygen magazine and make all of my dreams come true damn it!  I WILL be a success story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Shout out to Kelsey who is my success story idol!!!  <3

DIAGNOSED DOMESTICATION

It has been almost a month since I have written and that is just way too damn long and I mean how else am I going to talk about my life and share things other than blowing up people's news feeds on facebook twice a day.

First of all Andrew and I are officially living together and let me just say 1 thing.  If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be living in my Grandparents apartment with my boyfriend I would have fuckin slapped you silly and died with laughter.  No way I would have believed it for a minute.  Flash forward to now and here I am sitting here waiting for him to get home.  Domestic life is ...well..it's not easy.  For so long it has been all about me and that will never change (for the most part- lmao) but now I really have to focus on not only making myself happy but making my partner happy and making us as a couple happy.  Small arguments will happen and I have to say that, basically, be jealous of my love life because Andrew is a rare breed and he's mine :)  I won't get all sappy shit on you but you get the idea, he loves me and he shows me in more ways than anyone ever has and anyone ever will (send me your address for a wedding invite).

I also nailed a new job, sweet right, a new job, where does she work now?  A big girl job? Please stop writing like this and tell us you bitch!  Big girl job? No.  Another serving job?  OF COURSE! I work at Cracker Barrel and it is WAY better than my previous job, more money, less drama, less eating of shitty food.  Hell, I don't want to be the new girl eating biscuits all day. GROSS

So now that we are finally on the topic of food, which is obviously the only reason I ever write these things, I finally went back to my counselor to get feed back from all of those weird ass tests I did.  Did I ever mention these?  Playing with blocks, trying to get them to look like the picture, describing words, comparing words, 300 questionnaire on the computer, yeah that crazy shit took 2 hours.  So what did they get out of that two hours?  That I have bulimia nervosa non purging type.  This was a shock to me, I never thought of bulemia as anything else other than someone who binged and then puked that shit up.  I alsways thought I had binge eating disorder (B.E.D) and she said she toyed with the idea but those with B.E.D do not use any compensatory behaviors.  What the fuck does that mean?  Well, once upon a time I would over exercise, sometimes I would under eat, a few times I have fasted by the majority of the time I just restricted my eating, all....the.....time...I really can't believe I am putting this out there for all to read but honestly, I know there has to be someone out there that is going through this and doesn't know how to deal so I am going to let you into my world with treatment.

The first day we talked about how things would go and I am to use a log everyday for writing down what I eat, when, where, if I thought it was excessive if I did anything to compensate and my feelings about it.  I have a sheet she printed out for me and I am to do this daily.  This doesn't bother me at all since I already track but the added thought process and writing down feelings and things I know will definitely benefit me in a huge way if I do it consistently.  I also talked with her about ways to deal with my behaviors when in stressful situations, I get frustrated, annoyed and angry easily and do not always handle it the way a 28 year old adult should.  I think most of the time I just react and there are no cognitive actions before hand and so that is why I think this aspect of it is going to help a lot.

I am excited to make myself better, to reach my goals.  I still want to compete, I still have fitness goals etc but I know I need to nip this in the ass once and for all!  I would appreciate any support I could get along the way and to pass this blog along to others that might benefit from this as well.  This is my stepping stone and I am very excited to finally have found it!