New job. New living situation. Old problem. Two very huge changes in a small amount of time especially the living situation. I have never lived with another man, not to mention a boyfriend and honestly never thought the day would come. I do though, have someone who works hard, who moved his life for me and I feel like my old problem which is still my current problem (BN) is hindering me from being the Talia we both once knew.
The major thing here is that I KNOW what I am capable of, I know I can lean out, stay on a competition diet and strut my sexy shit across that stage like I have been doing it for years (ok maybe not that cocky) but still, I HAVE done it before and so why is it so hard to get that back now? Control. Thanks to Whitney, I had an epiphany over this little but huge word! I know what I am doing, sometimes I want to do it, sometimes I know even if I try to avoid it, the thought is still there, from the time I wake up until the time I let that first bite hit my mouth. It's hard when your body image and confidence reflects how you feel about yourself and if one is negative chances are so is the other. I'm a waitress, have been for as long as I can remember, was doing it since I was old enough to and for those of you who don;t know, we are damn good actressess/actors. I think the best kind! Why? because we have to go out on that "floor" and no matter what mood we are in, no matter what is bothering us, no matter what happened before we came in, the night before or what we are worried about happening after we have to put aside and fake being excited to serve them today even if they annoy the fuck out of us and we want to push them off of their chairs. I also think it's control. I can't control how much longer I have until I graduate, I can't control arguements that may happen between Andrew and I and so as much as I know I hate having an issue with food I literaly am in control and I know it that's the most fucked up part. I wake up and KNOW it's going to happen and I ALLOW IT TO !!! That makes no fucking sense but this disorder doesn't make any sense either, well of course it does but for me, going through it, living in it for over 5 years, it fucking sucks because it's a constant cycle. The battle to know the difference between extremes and moderation, I once knew it but the deeper I got into fitness the further apart I spread good foods and bad foods.
The even shittier part is trying to expain this to people who have no fucking clue. Who think a binge is eating a whole bowl of lettuce, people who barely eat three meals a day and people who question why you are carrying around a gallon of water every day!! Seriously sometimes it gets to the point where SHUT THE FUCK UP might be the next four words out of my mouth. As I type this profanity, I also wonder whether or not taking myself off of the pill because I am inbetween health insurances and can't get my vagina checked has anything to do with my hormones. Still, can I use that as an excuse for projection? My boyfriend doesn't seem to think so and I know I have the control to determine whether or not he sticks around for much longer.
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