Being a student in the Social Work program and realizing that most of the time we will have to make a diagnosis on someone for insurance purposes is tough. Now that I have been labeled I can see where it is important for the therapist to make sure they don't use that label or refer to it at all. I most certainly do not want to be know as the girl with an eating disorder and although I knew that had to have been apart of me for over 3 years I know now that I am slowly making the steps to get better.
So my second session was this past Tuesday and the night before my boyfriend and I got into an argument about something that I can't even remember. I ended up eating some dorito chip mix because I was craving it and I figured why not try and just eat some. Well I did and after I started to feel that guilt. I then realized I had to weigh in at my appointment and suddenly I went from being ok with it to going to bed feeling depressed.
The time came to head to my appointment that day and I went with butterflies in my stomach with thoughts all about a number. What if it's higher? I know it is, I consumed a ton of sodium yesterday (is what I think to myself). Sure enough I am right and I went up three pounds which absolutely killed me. I tried not to let it show but then realized, this is for YOU Talia, let her know this is something that bothers you. SO ..I did and I was glad I did. She exaplained to me that the weekly weigh in is for monitoring and that I need to realize that it was ONLY three pounds. She also said she doesn't want me to have a specific goal weight in mind yet and to focus on staying within a 6lb weight range. I know that our bodies fluctuate our weight depending on what we do/don't do, what we eat etc and so I should know this but it's very difficult to keep in mind when everything is focused on body image and how far away I am from where I want to be.
My homework for the next few weeks because she will be out of town is to do more close monitoring, to bracket off meals, to be more descriptive when I write in comments and to just to focus on eating healthy and eating the not so nutritious stuff in moderation.
This shit isn't easy, I slipped up that night because I was stressed and arguing with Andrew (ya'll are probably starting to wonder if that's all we ever do- we are over it now) but at the time as I sat there I KNEW there were chips left over and I KNEW we had to go to the store and shop and so I didn't do a Talia all out binge but I did over eat and so I call it a mini binge bc I know it could have been worse but it still happened. This is where I also need to step into myself and look at it from a different angle, think about what I consumed and be proud that I didn't let it go further than I did. To be honest it was nothing compared to what a normal binge for me would be and I stopped.
So today I woke up and started to feel quilty and worthless and like I mind as well binge all day since I did the night before but somehow, I don't know how..ok suppose I did, I just talked myself into eating healthy. I thought about how much food we got that was all healthy and the fact that we didn't even have any bad food to eat anyways and the only access I had was food my dad sells downstairs but I wasn't going to get that. So I got up and started the day and made a new recipe for my oatmeal and made the day mine!
Baby steps I will get there. I will reach my goals. I will binge less, I will be able to eat things in moderation, I will compete again, I will do photo shoots, I will get into Oxygen magazine and make all of my dreams come true damn it! I WILL be a success story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shout out to Kelsey who is my success story idol!!! <3
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