River

A few weeks ago my handsome prince River was diagnosed with kidney failure.  Tests were done, he spent over a week at the hospital and still no one could figure out why.  Was it from animals roaming in the yard?  A poison?  Something from the breed?  To this very day we do not have an answer but we lost an amazing dog.  He got sick rather quickly and each time I saw him although he still wagged his tail with joy that he had a vistitor his eyes were still filled with sadness.  It killed me to see him like this but to think of the alternative made me want to puke.  My mother is absolutely amazing, bought basically every kind of food she could think of to try and get him to eat, laid by his side at night and gave it her best to make him better but it just wasn't working.  A friend of mine Jen, helped me through this, she gave me advice and told me that I needed to ask him if it was his time.  I thought she was crazy, how the fuck do I do that let alone do it without crying?  She reassured me that I have to be strong for him and be there for him because he can't make his own decisions and when I sat next to him I said "is it your time?"  He wouldn't look at me, he kept looking away so I kept telling him how much I love him, how I will love him forever, how he has made an impact in my life and I then asked in a different way.  I said to him "you don't want to do this anymore, do you?"  He turned his head and looked right at me and I saw those sad eyes.  He was struggling, we all knew it but we didn't want to say it that we would have to let him go.

I was at work on Sunday, I hada missed call and voicemail from my mom, worst thing every when something like this is lingering around, I debated on listening to it or calling her back.  One of the girls there encouraged me to do so and that if I needed to leave it would be ok that managers would understand and they did.  I went and met my family there and was with him during his last moments of life.  He didn't look like River laying there, there was not much life to him, and seeing him hurt made me hurt.  

After he was gone, my heart ached, a pain deeper than I could even begin to describe.  Anyone who has lost a pet can attest to this same pain but it's different for everyone.  All I know is that for me it hurt and it hurt even worse to see all of my family the same way.  

River lived a good life.  He was brought into a home with his sister, he loved to play and tug on things.  He didn't like to let go because frankly I think he liked pulling with all his strength.  He loved being outside with his sister, going for walks and getting people food.  Most of all he loved his dad, followed him around everywhere, in the yard, through the kitchen, at the table, in the living room and was a huge protector for all of us.

With all my heart I loved these dogs and I will forever hold them close to me <3 I know the pain will stay around for some time but I know I need to pick myself up and move forward.  I have a lot of things going on in my life and this just added to the pile of emotions.  In the end I know River is in a better place, that he is with his sister again, happy and healthy.  It is time for me to get back to that too <3

My handsome Prince River! Boy it has been a long time again since I have written a blog.  Last time was July 16th and to be honest I can't even think of where to start.  First of all I can't even begin to describe how I feel about River not being in this world much longer.  My heart aches, and the pain goes deeper than I will ever be able to touch or cure because we all know the biggest therapy are kisses from your dog.  He has given me trillions of kisses through the years and it is a struggle to come to terms with his illness.  He has kidney failure, won't eat and could pass very soon.  I really hope with all of my hope that he will pass in his sleep at home before any decisions have to be made, otherwise he will just starve and that it's fair.  What also isn't fair is seeing how excited he gets to be home, to see family and just his overall ....I don't know what you would call it, I got this far and I am already crying.  I love him so much and after just losing his sister back in December the pain is all too familiar.  I can honestly say I never grieve like this towards a human and as awful as that may sound maybe it's because I have no lost someone so very close to me but I will always say that our pets get closer to us than anyone in the world.  I know how much he loves us and how much we love him I selfishly do not want him to go but wish he would go on his own instead of having to do it the other way.  

Getting a puppy is so exciting and I remember all of the things they used to do.  When we first got them they would literally sleep on top of each other, bother and sister, as close as they could get.  They would often sleep butt to butt like they were mirror images of each other.  The loved to play and they loved to be loved just like any other dog.  Rain was very playful, always had the ball in her mouth.  Wouldn't matter where the ball was either because as soon as you asked her "where's your ball" she would walk away and return with it in her mouth, tail waggling.  She had a darker coat than River, her face was blacker but she was always happy and excited to be outside, my Rain girl, just like River boy. They loved laying on my bed and even when they were full grown would both lay up there together.  Sometimes, now more often, I feel guilty for leaving him behind and moving out.  Maybe he got sick bc of all the loss in his life, I'm sure dogs can experience the same things as humans, right? Constantly following my Dad around, where ever he went.  Sitting by him at the dinner table getting up as soon as he would move his leg.  Following him around the yard while he does his yard work too.  He is a protector, didn't like anyone but his own family, always made sure he was on the look out for intruders day or night.  We always said he would have made an awesome police dog but glad that he ended up in our home.

If I could label anything in my life that is the worst thing to experince it would be a dog leaving the world.  I don't know about anyone else and quite frankly don't currently give a shit, but for me, because I am selfish Talia, it hurts, it hurts deep and I could spend days in my bed crying if it were sociologically acceptable to miss work for a week.  One thing I am happy about through this whole thing is what an amazing boyfriend I have.  I never in my life had someone who cares for me as much as he does, who worries about me like he does, and whom wants to be there for me like no one else has.  He too, is losing a pet in Syracuse and I can not even imagine what he is going through not being able to go drive out there and see her.  If it was me I would be going every weekend or as often as I could charging gas etc.  I love him so much and can't wait to marry this man because selfish Talia wants him all to herself.

Through all this my sister also had major brain surgery.  This was tough too, it came out of nowhere.  Luckily she is ok and I find myself wanting to be there for her more than I ever have.  I have a lot of things going on and I know she needs me too, along with a lot of other friends and family.  Seems like we are all going through a lot and dealing with it all in different ways but in the end I need to realize just how beneficial it is to keep people in my life rather than pushing them away so I can be alone.  I love being along when I am sad, I don't want anyone to bother me, I just want to lay in my bed and cry.  In fact crying in my car and while doing cardio are two very familiar places for me.  No one can see me in my car expect people passing by that I will never see again and when I do cardio I really don't care.  I have been to that gym long enough to know only a handful of people would even come over just to say hi.  

I am trying to be strong and for me these are my weakest moments especially for my ED.  I have been holding it together pretty well and thats all thanks to a few very important people in my life.  Andrew, Ami, Ginelle, Chelsea, Audrey, Deanna, Ashley B., Jen T., Kelley and all of my facebook girls willing to be there for me whenever I need them.  <3

Woman crushes

I thought the title might entice others to read :)  Obviously it worked because here you are!  Well yes, I do admit I have woman crushes and if we can't admit that then we are lying to ourselves.  Does it mean I will turn into a woman lover?  Nah, I have the man of my dreams (no worries Andrew).  A girl can appreciate a hot body because this is what she dreams to achieve too, all motivation, inspiration and love!  Of course I am jealous of some of ya'll out there right now but this picture above explains it all and I do have the power to change, it may take time and I have to be easy on myself and allow nmyself to make mistakes but I know I have control.

This morning I woke up and it was bright as fuck in our room.  I slightly panicked and thought holy shit it's like 1 in the afternoon and I will have time to do nothing, ridiculous thoughts going on and since I didn't have my contacts in I had to squint really hard to see that it was only......830!  YAY!!!!  So I know, laying there for a minute that there are still some junk foods in the house from yesterday....I think about what I'm going to do...go back to sleep, get up and go to the gym?  I think a big part of this disorder are the thoughts, they are so consuming, they take over sometimes and it's almost like it makes it worse to try and think differently but I know I will never change if I don't try....What will I decide?  Well I got my ass up, tossed the not so nutritious food consumption thoughts out the window and make my healthy breakfast.  I also decided to hit the gym early and as soon as I can scrape myself away from facebook and writing blogs I can get there sooner so I have time to lay poolside before my class.

Thinking ahead, I have 6 classes in the next 1.5 weeks all 8 hours and go from 845-430, more than half of me is telling myself that I better arrange to get to the gym BEFORE class because there is no way in hell I am going to want to go after.  So here I go...get ready to hit the gym, get my hamstring workout in, cardio in and then enjoy the day before class!!

Control

New job. New living situation.  Old problem. Two very huge changes in a small amount of time especially the living situation.  I have never lived with another man, not to mention a boyfriend and honestly never thought the day would come.  I do though, have someone who works hard, who moved his life for me and I feel like my old problem which is still my current problem (BN) is hindering me from being the Talia we both once knew.  

The major thing here is that I KNOW what I am capable of, I know I can lean out, stay on a competition diet and strut my sexy shit across that stage like I have been doing it for years (ok maybe not that cocky) but still, I HAVE done it before and so why is it so hard to get that back now?  Control.  Thanks to Whitney, I had an epiphany over this little but huge word! I know what I am doing, sometimes I want to do it, sometimes I know even if I try to avoid it, the thought is still there, from the time I wake up until the time I let that first bite hit my mouth.  It's hard when your body image and confidence reflects how you feel about yourself and if one is negative chances are so is the other.  I'm a waitress, have been for as long as I can remember, was doing it since I was old enough to and for those of you who don;t know, we are damn good actressess/actors.  I think the best kind!  Why?  because we have to go out on that "floor" and no matter what mood we are in, no matter what is bothering us, no matter what happened before we came in, the night before or what we are worried about happening after we have to put aside and fake being excited to serve them today even if they annoy the fuck out of us and we want to push them off of their chairs.  I also think it's control.  I can't control how much longer I have until I graduate, I can't control arguements that may happen between Andrew and I and so as much as I know I hate having an issue with food I literaly am in control and I know it that's the most fucked up part.  I wake up and KNOW it's going to happen and I ALLOW IT TO !!!  That makes no fucking sense but this disorder doesn't make any sense either, well of course it does but for me, going through it, living in it for over 5 years, it fucking sucks because it's a constant cycle.  The battle to know the difference between extremes and moderation, I once knew it but the deeper I got into fitness the further apart I spread good foods and bad foods.

The even shittier part is trying to expain this to people who have no fucking clue.  Who think a binge is eating a whole bowl of lettuce, people who barely eat three meals a day and people who question why you are carrying around a gallon of water every day!! Seriously sometimes it gets to the point where SHUT THE FUCK UP might be the next four words out of my mouth.  As I type this profanity, I also wonder whether or not taking myself off of the pill because I am inbetween health insurances and can't get my vagina checked has anything to do with my hormones.  Still, can I use that as an excuse for projection?  My boyfriend doesn't seem to think so and I know I have the control to determine whether or not he sticks around for much longer.  

After this long rant the bottom line is I know I have the control.  I choose on a daily basis all of what I consume.  Well I know I do NOT choose to give up, I do NOT choose to quit and I most definitely do NOT choose failure.  I will be a success story, I will get to the top and when I'm at the top I will give my hand to anyone who needs the help getting to that same place!  Social work power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ginelle come with me !!!!!!

A work in progress

Being a student in the Social Work program and realizing that most of the time we will have to make a diagnosis on someone for insurance purposes is tough.  Now that I have been labeled I can see where it is important for the therapist to make sure they don't use that label or refer to it at all. I most certainly do not want to be know as the girl with an eating disorder and although I knew that had to have been apart of me for over 3 years I know now that I am slowly making the steps to get better.

So my second session was this past Tuesday and the night before my boyfriend and I got into an argument about something that I can't even remember.  I ended up eating some dorito chip mix because I was craving it and I figured why not try and just eat some.  Well I did and after I started to feel that guilt.  I then realized I had to weigh in at my appointment and suddenly I went from being ok with it to going to bed feeling depressed.

The time came to head to my appointment that day and I went with butterflies in my stomach with thoughts all about a number.  What if it's higher?  I know it is, I consumed a ton of sodium yesterday (is what I think to myself).  Sure enough I am right and I went up three pounds which absolutely killed me.  I tried not to let it show but then realized, this is for YOU Talia, let her know this is something that bothers you.  SO ..I did and I was glad I did.  She exaplained to me that the weekly weigh in is for monitoring and that I need to realize that it was ONLY three pounds. She also said she doesn't want me to have a specific goal weight in mind yet and to focus on staying within a 6lb weight range.  I know that our bodies fluctuate our weight depending on what we do/don't do, what we eat etc and so I should know this but it's very difficult to keep in mind when everything is focused on body image and how far away I am from where I want to be.

My homework for the next few weeks because she will be out of town is to do more close monitoring, to bracket off meals, to be more descriptive when I write in comments and to just to focus on eating healthy and eating the not so nutritious stuff in moderation.

This shit isn't easy, I slipped up that night because I was stressed and arguing with Andrew (ya'll are probably starting to wonder if that's all we ever do- we are over it now) but at the time as I sat there I KNEW there were chips left over and I KNEW we had to go to the store and shop and so I didn't do a Talia all out binge but I did over eat and so I call it a mini binge bc I know it could have been worse but it still happened.  This is where I also need to step into myself and look at it from a different angle, think about what I consumed and be proud that I didn't let it go further than I did.  To be honest it was nothing compared to what a normal binge for me would be and I stopped.

So today I woke up and started to feel quilty and worthless and like I mind as well binge all day since I did the night before but somehow, I don't know how..ok suppose I did, I just talked myself into eating healthy.  I thought about how much food we got that was all healthy and the fact that we didn't even have any bad food to eat anyways and the only access I had was food my dad sells downstairs but I wasn't going to get that.  So I got up and started the day and made a new recipe for my oatmeal and made the day mine!

Baby steps I will get there.  I will reach my goals.  I will binge less, I will be able to eat things in moderation, I will compete again, I will do photo shoots, I will get into Oxygen magazine and make all of my dreams come true damn it!  I WILL be a success story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Shout out to Kelsey who is my success story idol!!!  <3

DIAGNOSED DOMESTICATION

It has been almost a month since I have written and that is just way too damn long and I mean how else am I going to talk about my life and share things other than blowing up people's news feeds on facebook twice a day.

First of all Andrew and I are officially living together and let me just say 1 thing.  If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be living in my Grandparents apartment with my boyfriend I would have fuckin slapped you silly and died with laughter.  No way I would have believed it for a minute.  Flash forward to now and here I am sitting here waiting for him to get home.  Domestic life is ...well..it's not easy.  For so long it has been all about me and that will never change (for the most part- lmao) but now I really have to focus on not only making myself happy but making my partner happy and making us as a couple happy.  Small arguments will happen and I have to say that, basically, be jealous of my love life because Andrew is a rare breed and he's mine :)  I won't get all sappy shit on you but you get the idea, he loves me and he shows me in more ways than anyone ever has and anyone ever will (send me your address for a wedding invite).

I also nailed a new job, sweet right, a new job, where does she work now?  A big girl job? Please stop writing like this and tell us you bitch!  Big girl job? No.  Another serving job?  OF COURSE! I work at Cracker Barrel and it is WAY better than my previous job, more money, less drama, less eating of shitty food.  Hell, I don't want to be the new girl eating biscuits all day. GROSS

So now that we are finally on the topic of food, which is obviously the only reason I ever write these things, I finally went back to my counselor to get feed back from all of those weird ass tests I did.  Did I ever mention these?  Playing with blocks, trying to get them to look like the picture, describing words, comparing words, 300 questionnaire on the computer, yeah that crazy shit took 2 hours.  So what did they get out of that two hours?  That I have bulimia nervosa non purging type.  This was a shock to me, I never thought of bulemia as anything else other than someone who binged and then puked that shit up.  I alsways thought I had binge eating disorder (B.E.D) and she said she toyed with the idea but those with B.E.D do not use any compensatory behaviors.  What the fuck does that mean?  Well, once upon a time I would over exercise, sometimes I would under eat, a few times I have fasted by the majority of the time I just restricted my eating, all....the.....time...I really can't believe I am putting this out there for all to read but honestly, I know there has to be someone out there that is going through this and doesn't know how to deal so I am going to let you into my world with treatment.

The first day we talked about how things would go and I am to use a log everyday for writing down what I eat, when, where, if I thought it was excessive if I did anything to compensate and my feelings about it.  I have a sheet she printed out for me and I am to do this daily.  This doesn't bother me at all since I already track but the added thought process and writing down feelings and things I know will definitely benefit me in a huge way if I do it consistently.  I also talked with her about ways to deal with my behaviors when in stressful situations, I get frustrated, annoyed and angry easily and do not always handle it the way a 28 year old adult should.  I think most of the time I just react and there are no cognitive actions before hand and so that is why I think this aspect of it is going to help a lot.

I am excited to make myself better, to reach my goals.  I still want to compete, I still have fitness goals etc but I know I need to nip this in the ass once and for all!  I would appreciate any support I could get along the way and to pass this blog along to others that might benefit from this as well.  This is my stepping stone and I am very excited to finally have found it!

Good morning!! I am running on about 4 cups of coffee (big no no to Mr. Z, I know) and about 13 hours of sleep, minus however long I talked to Andrew last night in the middle of it all.  Honestly, there have been a few days this week where I said I needed to blog and now that I am doing it I have no clue what to write.

I will start with my eating problem.  I did not get the chance to go to my counseling appointment this week because I chose training over talking.  I pay my trainer WAY more than I pay her and I def want this so skipping the gym is NEVER an option to me.  It's crazy how dedicated I can be to that but when it comes to eating it gets so tough! My trainer has been grading me each week on my diet, the first time I was at 65% and the second time I was at 67%  I was very proud of my progress because I know that for me, a week without binging is the biggest success and second to that is slipping on my diet and not letting it drag me down to the ground which usually happens.  For anyone with a binge eating problem, who also has competed or even has big dreams of just feeling sexy and fit this issue is HUGE.  No one can explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it the feelings and emotions we go through when we think we have failed.  That first thought at failure is the little devil in our minds, and she is a complete BITCH.  She will not stop putting things in your head until you have completely screwed up to the point where you go to bed so depressed you think you won't ever come out of it.  Then when you wake up she is right there waiting for you telling you that since you already failed you mind as well keep going.  This can go on for days, weeks, even months.  So when I decide to tell her to shut the fuck up and when I eat some oreos and 2 fries but then do not let it affect me the rest of the day that success is enormous to me!  

A lot seems to be changing in my life and although I feel as if I can handle it very well it doesn't come without at least a little bit of stress.  I finally put my two weeks in at Applebee's and it felt SO good.  Yes, I know I am leaving to go to another serving job but whatever, I will be making more money and if I don't I will keep searching.  I am so happy for this change that my happiness level went up a notch just handing that piece of paper in.  

My boyfriend/soulmate/best friend is also moving here in 14 days and I can not express to anyone just how happy I am!  My parents gave us the ok to stay above the restaurant and it has been stressful bc there is no furniture up there, I put it all in a storage for when we finally get a place of our own. FUCK. Well anyways I could care less if all we had was a mattress (which is what we have now) bc I can not wait to sleep next to him every night, hang out with him when we have time off, go places together, do things together as a couple, double date, sooooo many things we can do that we couldn't do before because we are long distance.  These are all things that I dream about doing with him and get a little upset each time I see a couple out together, happy as can be.  I am incomplete without him here.  He has really put forth the effort in making sure my family knows he is there for them, to help out when needed and they all really love him!  Good thing because he's staying in the family :)

A few other thigns occur here and there but this bitch has got to stop pussy footin around and get ready for strawberry picking!!!!!!!!!!!!!