Being loved

This weekend my boyfriend came up and surprised me by sitting in my family restaurant before I got there.  I had a horrible day at Apleebee's Friday morning, cried on the way to this job and when I got there I was just sooooo happy.  We had an amazing weekend together minus a few squabbles but life isn't perfect, right?  Friday night we stayed at my friend Nicole's house.  Saturday he hung out with me and sat in my section at work then we went to visit my Grandma at my Aunt and Uncle's house.Saturday night we stayed at my sister's house.  At this point I am just so happy that food, no matter what it is just keeps coming into my mouth with no regard.  Sunday we went walking through the trails out by a creek by my house, it was a gorgeous day, he got to meet a friend of mine I have known for 20 years now.  After that we went to another park and then chilled at my house before he left.  I started to become upset and overwhelmed with sadness that I was suddenly emotionless the last few hours before he left.  I knew eventually he would have to leave and it always comes over me like a ton of bricks.  I started crying before we even went outside.  I know I am very lucky, he cares about me and loves me in ways no one has ever showed me before.  As I sit here though, and realize he is gone and I do not know when I will see him again I start to reflect on myself.  I have let my eating get out of control, I have let myself get comfortable with being a happy couple that just eats and deep down I know this is not me.

I would like to tell the world here that Wednesday is my first counseling appointment.  I can't believe I am even talking about this on here but I finally realized that this was the only way I was going to help myself.  I have so many people in my life I can talk to but I feel extremely overwhelmed because of everything going on.  I feel like I have gotten to a point where I can't figure out how to figure anything out on my own, how to cope and how to get back to that person I was 6 months ago.  I feel like when I talk about this to people that I am also being like the boy who cried wolf who keeps saying I willstop binging and then I do it again and that now it's to the point where no one believes me anymore.  What I need to recognize is that I need to believe myself.  As I think about this intake session and filling out the paperwork and answering questions on it about what is wrong, the more I think I want to back out that I can do this alone but I know better than that.  I know I need a nuetral being who will help me sort everything out and not give me the answers but to take that 1 hour and help me just conquer things one by one on my own with no one else's opinions, remarks, suggestions but my own.  It has been so long since I have made a decision for myself, I am too focused on the opinions of others that I stopped making my own choices.  I am excited to start this for myself and help myself get to where I want to be instead of constantly being stuck in this same spot over and over.

Today I will start with accepting the fact that I am not perfect and being ok with it.  There is no reason to beat myself up over the little things. I need to move past those things and realize what is in front of me!!!

Imperfect

Today is a new day, again, and lucky me for being able to wake up in tears, right? Not.  Can I just please confess about yesterday?  Since this is Talia uncensored and the whole point of this blog is to be super blunt about this ED it wouldn't help to leave things out, right?  I did perfectly fine all day.  As a matter of fact, I had a great hamstring workout and went to work feelin good.  Had all of my food with me, we have three servers on that's how dead it has been on Mondays.  We also had a storm warming so they were expecting us to beslower than usual, they were correct.  I was freaking out all day about my five minute presentation.  I had to have my sister hack into my laptop and send me a document I had to print out.  I also had to print out brochures for my whole class and was worried I wouldn't be able to do so from the school computers (I don't know why I didn't think they would print out as brochures, it's  university campus in the year 2012).

So fast forward to about that time, you know, right before I leave when I think it's a fantastic idea to eat the fuckin almonds, which then leads to eating the honey roasted pecans because my thought process tells me it's ok, you are leaving soon, they are out of oreos and so there is no way this is going to lead to anything else.  Well it didn't but it stirred up the guilt, the frustration, the "how-many-calories-did-I-really-eat" thoughts.  When I finally got on campus and sat down the first thing I did was log into my dailyplate and became overwhelmed with the fact that I was already WAY over my calories and it was only 5.  FML.  I shouted out to my FitStruggle girls and they told me not to starve all night but to eat the salad I wasw going to avoid eating because I didn't want to be extremely over my calories.  I did my presentation, had my salad after and was feeling awesome.

I get home, find out my mom, after over three years finally went for a check up at the doctor!!! HOLY SHIT BALLS I almost had a heart attack myself.  It is here though that when I flash back, I had a bag of almonds in my hand, put them away but was still hungry...hmm here are some croutons, fuck it, I can have a few and be fine.  NOPE.  Cereal and cookies. No, not just one bowl and no not just one cookies. WHAT. THE. FUCK. seriously...how did I do so good all day and ruin it in a matter of 5 minutes? 

Long chat with the boyfriend, Bed and then wake up in the morning from a dream that had me literally in tears.  Doesn't matter what it was but it was emotional enough for me to have my laying in bed thinking "i-really-want-to-just-eat-bad" WHAT, WHAT, WHAT is going on?  So I start texting my understanding girlie friends, which one of them BTW I get to meet in 16 days!  Holy shit!  I am going to Iowa!  How fun!!! A place I have never been!!!  I get the positive things I need, the texts to tell me I need to get out of this negative mindset, that life is strange but I can move on, that food is not going to make me feel better and to talk it out with them.  Also, while I was facebooking I made the call for an appointment for a counseling session and I know I will be watching my phone like a damn owl hunting it's prey.  

Anyways...I know I can make today a success and I will do just that but I also have to rearrange my objectives for my goal since I was unsuccessful I will have to start over and so I add to these objectives:

--no more eating any food at Applebee's or LaPaloma's that I haven't brang for myself to eat!

I can roast this day!

I can be successful!

I can be annoying to all of my friends with my text messages about food!

I will over come this!!

Healthy

I truly believe that being healthy occurs in more ways than we are accustomed to.  Of course when we think about being healthy the first thing we think about is exercise, and eating right.  What though about having a healthy mind?  Do you think you can be healthy and workout 5x a week, eat clean but have a high stress load is considered healthy?  I know my biggest struggle is having a healthy mind and I know most, if not the majority of it stems from dieting thoughts and behaviors learned too early on to realize they were all the wrong approach.

I have been seeing and trying to read all of the articles that my fit bitches post on facebook (I hope I don't offend anyone by saying fit bitches lol).  Some of them are about how the competition dieting/ extreme diets over time can do so much damage.  I have been [to-the-clueless-people-on-a-healthy-lifestyle] dieting since May of last year, competed in October, took some time "off" then started dieting again.  Honestly, do I have any idea what this means?  Yes. Did I do it correctly? NO. Why?  binging and because when I started a long time ago trying to change the way I look I destroyed the way I should think.

I am working on changing that and trying to live a healthy life but reaching my dreams along the way!  So far I want to say that today is day two with my goal, yesterday was a huge success and I can't wait to come back on here and say how successful I was today too!  I am not going to lie, I had cravings all day yesterday and today I am too but I know I don't need to eat junk food.  That type of food will not fuel my body, I have taken off from the gym yesterday and today, back at it tomorrow and so on lifting days I will still be incorporating a lunch dessert for myself!  Cheerio!

I can

Starting the day off right with a nice sweet blog.  I wandered through the grocery store last night debating on whether or not I should pick up another notebook to write my thoughts in and then I thought no don't do that you have your handy dandy blog. I wonder how many people actually read these things but whatever.  There I go again....thinking about other people.

Well today I have all of my meals plannned out and ready to go, this is the first step to my success.  I also need a goal and so I have come here to plan that out too.  

Talia will, in the next 7 days follow her meal plan 70/70/160 and not binge as evidenced by her dailyplate account on livestrong.com where everything will be logged on a daily basis.

Objective 1:  Make sure all food needed is in the house

Objective 2:  Make sure you go check ahead of time that food for that day is available so you may take the necessary steps to obtain it before that day starts

Objective 3:  A binge starts by taking the first bite of something that can trigger: eating more, negative thoughts, self-sabotage

Objective 4:  Text someone, S.O.S. on the internet, post on a group BEFORE taking that first bite, saying what it is I want to eat, where I am, what my feelings are at that time, if I am bored, frustrated or having a bad day

That's it for now..I will be working a double shift today trying to make $354.16 to pay off my cell phone bill, it's raining which is a HUGE indicator of the level of business Applebee's will get today, so everyone do their rain dance!!! 

Where to begin..

It's insane how one day we can be fine and then the next everything seems so completely overwhelming that we forgot how we dealt with it the first time and revert back to old habits.  For myself, being in the MSW program I have learned that there are a lot of people out there in the world that have worse issue than myself.  I know for a fact if we all put our problems in a pile and left with someone else's we would wish for ours back but for me it's a struggle to understand why I have this food issue and everyday I think to myself "couldn't I just have a different struggle?"  Deep down though I know that once I can understand it and work through it, I will be glad I didn't get struck with a different issues.  I had another rough day today and I am just so filled with different anxieties and worries and I can't sort them out on my own any more.  I have an amazing boyfriend who says all the right things and friends whom I have never met that live miles and miles away that give me support and people closer that I know have my back but when it all comes down to it it's not what they tell me or suggest it's what I do.  What I I I I I I I DO!

  I am not sure why I can not get it through my head that I am in control of this exactly the same way I was in control yestersay and came out on top.  Today. Not so much.  This struggle is like no other, it's frustrating and it's mentally taxing because it causes a spiral of thoughts.  Let me just let you into the mind set for a minute.  I am currently in a "bulking "phase" for those of you who have no fucking idea what that means it basically means I am putting on muscle, increasing weight, a mind fuck all on it's own.  From being almost competition ready to in a bulking phase is extremely difficult.  I naturally have a bigger build for my upper body and "bulk" faster and I can already tell.  I was telling a few people earlier this afternoon about how uncomfortable I felt, it's frustrating to be a girl and want to be sexy lean and trim but I wanted to give myself the time to do this right.  So the frustration from not feeling confortable in my own skin, then the boredom at work.  I held out for a really long time, and then I tripped.  Immediately I knew I had to S.O.S. and Andrew is the most amazing man that has ever been in my life (ok minus my dad, no one tops him..EVER, so don't even try).  Anyways I know all along, all day everyday that it's all ME that has to decide where to go and it's so much easier for people to say "pick up and move on" when it's not them and I give the same advice when it's soemone else but when it comes to me I have never been able to do it, except ONCE... DAMN IT Ginelle...I know this IS the exception isn't it....

That just caught me in my tracks..

I need to make the giant leap into the world of a therapist.  I can no longer juggle these thoughts, emotions, feelings, life situations and environmental changes going on around me alone anymore.  I just have so much going on in my head that I have no idea how to sort it out anymore, everything over laps, everything falls on top of each other.  One day I have it all under control and the next sets me off and I stab all of my tired so I go nowhere instead of only having one and fixing it.

All of this is more difficult to go through than most people could ever imagine and I know it's getting in the way of reaching my dreams but WHEN I get to the top I know I will have an amazing success story taking Ginelle, Ron, Andrew, Ami and all of my fit bitches with me!!!!! I love every single one of you for taking the time to get to know me, to help me, to reach out to me, to think of me, you all have no idea how much you mean to me and I hope that one day when I am a successful social working, fitness model, bikini pro that I can help someone that struggles too!!!!!

A day in the life....

Wake up at 8, knew immediately I could not hold my pee in for another hour before my alarm went off.  Quickly raced to the bathroom and fell back alseep as soon as I came back.  Woke back up again and the first thing that comes to mind, my fuckin Verizon Bill. FTS.  I get out of bed, glad I decided on not getting up to workout.  I knew I wouldn't have had a decent workout on that little of sleep.  ANYWHOS...my mom gets up and starts walking around, comes near me and says that Grandma is in the hospital.  Really? ?!?!  I already feel the anxiety of this day building up inside of me.  Feelings of frustration over my phone bill, powerless over not being able to do anything about my Grandma and then when I eventually start getting ready for my internship I can't find my boots, the outfit I put on looks like shit, the second shirt I put on looks like crap, now I am starting to become miserable.  I hate the way everything looks, why did I binge?  Why do I binge?  I hate myself right now...I throw a shirt on I am pretty sure I wore last week, I'm getting serious now, throwin the hair in a pony and puttin the hoops on.  I head out the door, running late and honestly not even giving a shit knowing I still have to get gas, food and absolutely and energy drink.  Get to the gas station, feelin sassy, then get to tops.  At this point I feel anger, rage, I want to listen to Tom C. music all day long and wallow.  

::PAUSE::  this is a vulnerable situation for me, I am angry, upset, a walking ball of emotions and I am about to enter a grocery store with accessible bulk foods,,,chocolate..almonds...candy

Resume.... I walk into the store thinking to myself: you know what Talia?  This is your chance, this is your chance to take control.  Ask yourself what you want.  Do you want to feel like you did before you left the house trying on clothes for 5 minutes not liking how you look in any of them or picking out and wearing the first outfit you take out of the closet knowing before you even put it on that you will look amazing.  Confidence comes from you Talia, no one else, change comes from you, no one else, this is your opportunity, you chance to show yourself that you have what it takes to get to where you want to be.  Think carefully before you make horrible eating decisions.  As I walked out, I felt so proud carrying my bag of romaine, tuna, nuts, sugar free balsamic and an ABS magazine... proof...

This is my life...my decisions...my chocies..all of them lead to where I want to go.....so fast forward to my internship, had my evaluations done this week for this whole shebang and they both went really well.  I am proud of myself for the skills I have learned, the friends I have made and the professional development I have gained from this experience.  Also today, one of our clients made me think of myself, how I am dealing with change, anxieties and being taken out of a comfort zone for a relationship.  I do know though that sometimes (and I KNOW it's true for this time, at least for right now I do, I know I can't predict the future and if something doesn't turn out the way we think we must eventually move on but for now I can say I KNOW) that sometimes we have to take ourselves out of that comfort zone to grow, develop and change for the better.

Afterwards I went tanning and then to Verizon to deal with this whole bill.  I made some friends with some of the employees, all admiring my Noosa Tri-'s (hell yeah I should wear these babies EVERYWHERE) I was dressed in my gym gear and lookin fresh hahah.  So eventually I got paired up with Adam, and he helped me get 180$ off of my bill bringing it down to $354 instead of $534.. is that math correct?  Anyways, I was super stoked because he said $200 would be the max they would offer so I took the $180.  

FINALLY got to the gym, had an awesome chest workout and then went to check to see what time yoga was going on or if they even had a class tonight.  730-830 and it was already 750 so I asked a few folks if it would be 100% rude to jump in, they didn't think so and honestly I didn't give a shit, I wanted to test it out so I tip toed in and only disturbed one person, but then the rest were confused when they looked around and saw a newbie.  Regardless it was like best 40 minutes of the day!!!!!!  I have found a new love, I can't wait to go again.  It was just so relaxing and I definitely need to be more limber at my old age! 

Well folks, this is getting quite long and I am sure ya'll are tired of reading by now but I am proud to say a shitty ass day turned out just fine..now....if only my Grandma would be better......

I love my Grandma

Went to bed last night at about 2am with an extremely BAD 'tude.  I was messin around with my iphone, obviously, setting up email notifications and I so I came across my Verizon-bill-is-ready email.  First of all, just seeing the damn email to start off makes me wallow for a second and curl my lip but I decided to check it out because it would have been my last LOW bill since I got my iphone.  I open it and it says.... $534.60.  I almost fuckin crapped my pants.  So after logging in and clicking and trying to figure out where the fuck this extra 400 came from I finally founhd the usage details.  4 bucks here, 13 bucks there, 45 cents, little by littler every single time I talked to my boyfriend or my long distance fit soul sister before 9pm.  FOOL!! FOOL!! I am such a fucking fool!! Talia, you have had a verizon phone for HOW LONG?  You know Andrew doesn't have Verizon, you know it's FREE after 9, you KNOW you can't be gabbin away for hours on end during PEAK MINUTES!!!!!!  As I sit here and breathe deeply while my body experiences a slight panic attack I realize I can blame no one but myself, going to have to work hard and suck it up because I would take any of those minutes back anyways =]  

Let's rewind back to the beginning of the day, woke up bright and early to prep my food for the day, even cooked breakfast and packed it up so I wouldn't eat so early.  My internship was awesome.  I got to try out my Teamwork Hunt.  We pretended we were pirates (yes, proof on Facebook), clues were hidden around the room and they have figure them all out to get to it.  I will definitely miss all of those kids!! Well most of them and I find myself wondering what they will be like in 10 years.....

So I finally get to work, have my meals, made a delicious salad when I get there, and as the time ticks I get to the point where I am bored and looking for food. I sent out my first iPhone S.O.S and it worked like a charm! really refocused myself, not to mention my boyfriend is really great at doing that too =] I Since my carbs have gone up I asked the cook to grill me up some shroomies.  Didn't think he actually would but they were DELICIOUS, I also knew it was about time to eat so I threw some pico de gallo along with chicken and ate a green pepper and was fine.  The end of the night got a little busy as I got stuck with the 10 kids who come in every damn Wednesday and barely order anything so I feel busier than I really am.  I also had a few guys that came in after their shift from work, and I discovered again one of the main reasons I love being a waitress is talking to people.  One guy was 26, the other about 33 and it seems sometimes that business people don't really want to chat with their waitress but I figured hell, it's happy hour, they are eating boneless wings, they seem legit.  If it's one thing I am grateful for of myself it's my personality.  I love being friendly and thanks to my mom, more nosey as I age.  This is also one of the MAJOR things I will miss if I ever get a big girl job....

Fast forward back to the end of the night and we are back to my Verizon bill.  UGH.  I decided to sleep since 8 of sleep > 5 hours of sleep and get my workout in after my internship since we are done a little bit earlier than usual.  I honestly can not WAIT to get to the gym I am going to walk into that place looking like the happiest girl on the damn planet and all I can say is, no one better be taking up my incline BB!!!  Pushin heavy weights!!!!!!

iphone day!

Today was offical iphone day, why must you ask?  Well because myself and two other girls all bought them today, basically at the same time, one right after the other! I frolicked across the floor to where they were with a huge smile on my face, I jumped with joy to my sales guy.  I have been waiting for this day for a LONG time!  Facebook at my fingertips, support groups when I need them, what more could I ask for?

I had an awesome day getting back into this whole non binging mindset.  I am not going to lie though, it was tough.  I woke up feeling so sore and tight.  I feel as if everytime I do this to myself it not only screws me up mentally but physically as well.  I had an awesome hamstring workout but realized that my lower back was REALLY sore, something that never happens DURING a workout but ALWAYS happens for some reason after a binge.  It's horrible, my flexibility is already horrid and this makes it even worse.  I also feel because I am trying to build muscle, and genetically I build it relatively fast in my upper body that I already FEEl bigger, add to it the bloat from a 4 day binge and how can I not be miserable?  I always think to myself; this isn't me, this isn't how I want to feel and why do I continue to self-sabotage?  Ami and I talked about it a little bit today and it seems as if they is what I do.  I find it hard to say no to taking the first bite of foods that I KNOW will cause me to only want more, so I give in and then I feel like I have failed, I feel guilty, ashamed, dissappointed and then at that very moment I inernally throw my hands up and say "fuck it, I will start over again tomorrow"  How though will I learn how to eat all over again if I keep going down this same fucking path?!?  You are right, I will never learn sooo today, I picked myself up again because although I have had many unsuccessful attempts I will ever give up!  I will do what it takes me reach my dreams, figuring it out along the way.

So this morning I made some eggs and coffee and got all of my stuff together for the day.  Had an awesome workout at the gym and then my post workout treat was this...

I know some people will think this shit is crazy and I KNOW once I decide on another show date that I can't have stuff like this but for now this is what I need to try.  yesterday if I wouldn't have eaten some things I knew would take me into the binge zone I would have been fine.  I am looking at this issue/problem as I would with a client of my own, that you have to0 start where they are, that what you did for one person may not work for them and so I need to find out what works for me.  Anyways these are SOOOO fuckin delicious and that was IT.  I didn't crave anything else after that and it is now 8:00pm, I am having my last meal which consisted of some delicious mouthwatering Dinosaur BBQ, some chicken and almonds.  LOVE THOSE NUTS!!  I vow to myself to drink a shit load of water for the rest of the night, go for a walk with my mom, and HOPEFULLY somehow find a way to calm my boyfriend down from his rough day. 

Tomorrow I am nervous about, I have my internship from 8-330 and then working at the Bee until 12.  I am not lifting tomorrow so I am not going to incorporate a post workout treat.  I only plan on doing this post lifting workouts.  I have all the food I need to get me through the day.  My approach is going to be this; cook my breakfast before I leave but don't eat it until I get to my internship so it's not so early considering how late I will be up for!  I am so proud of myself for getting through today..hello water....and hello I PHONE!!

The truth

 DISCLAIMER:  This new blog is all about my struggles with binge eating.  My goal is to write in this daily, like a daily journal, DUH, hence the name of this blog "Dear Diary"  I will tell you right now Ron, I am going to be very honest with all of the things in here, I am not going to sugar coat and as my trainer I just hope it can help me be a better client so I can finally begin to uncover what is happening, how this affects me, how I need to deal with it and what I need to do differently.  Comments are always welcome but please keep in mind that this is my struggle, my battle and it is wasn't an easy decision to allow the world to come into it but writing is theraputic for me and since I am on the internet A LOT, I figured I would do better at an online journal than I would with a written one,,,,

I have decided to create another blog, a blog that's 100% real.  No secrets, no lies, no bullshit.  In order to figure myself out, I need to understand myself and what better way than to do it through writing.  The truth is, I am an undiagnosed binge eater.  The truth is, I am currently seeking a therapist (this process may take awhile considering the lack of health insurance).  Thee truth is, this issue has been ongoing for so long that it's time I take a stand in my OWN life, and open up my own eyes all the while maybe being able to help someone else.

The truth is, I believe it started a long time ago, I am going to guess way back in high school, my senior year when I decided I wanted to lose weight.  I am pretty sure I kept it hush hush, at one point friends became concerned.  I remember my friends asking me at lunch why I wasn't eating my response was because I already ate everything.  I changed my eating habits, I ate more frequently, smaller meals, worked out daily even sometimes through phone calls when my mom would say "she's doing her workout video, can she call you back?"  I ended up losing a lot of weight and I was thrilled at my results but what I didn't know is that this set the stage.  I started getting more and more into fitness, starting working at a gym, got my PT cert, started doing research, reading magazines and before I knew it I was labeling foods as "good" or "bad", calorie counting, macro counting, maticulously writing meal plans, workout plans, I was literally lost in numbers.

I am not exactly sure when it started but I know that all of the above are ways in which the binge eating occured.  I would eat perfect for a week and then I would crave something small, eat it and then feel like I have sabotaged everything, ny mind went into a different direction spiraling out of control with negative thoughts, self sabotage, guilt and shame for not being able to stick to my goals.  So here I am, sick of the cycle, sick of doing this over and over and I am DETERMINED to figure it out so I can reach my goals of being a top competitor, a fitness model, getting to the top and sharing my story with everyone.

I will start with today, which was supposed to be this fantastic, whimsical of a day, folllowing my meal plan and incorporating 1 thing that was "not so healthy" which so happened to be some starburst jellybeans.  Weighed out and packed into my lunch bag with all of my other meals.It worked perfectly but then while I was at work and bored and was offered to leave early I took the chance, went home and literally put on  my bikni and went tanning outside.  After all of the food I consumed this weekend, I was glad I was in the privacy of my own backyard.  Everything was hunky dorey, even took a nap and then my parents were eating dinner.  I decided to sit down and have a chicken salad.  I ate a few croutons, no big deal, I had some potatoes, shit, then my dad's bread...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.  It was HERE that my thoughts raced out of control, I couldn't stop them, this is the part I struggle with the most but I can never turn myself around.  I was ok with the croutons but that's where they thoughts came into play.  The "well you had a few, mind as well just eat a few more" "well there are no croutons left, you aren't competing anytime soon, have some potatoes"  "There is one piece of Dad's bread left, you may never get to eat his bread again"  This is the aspect of binge eating I struggle with the most.  No matter what I do I can never tell myself that it's ok and to move on, instead I internally self-sabotage and let it get out of hand.  I am hoping that starting this daily journal will help me sort these things out and finally be binge free and happy.