Imperfect

Today is a new day, again, and lucky me for being able to wake up in tears, right? Not.  Can I just please confess about yesterday?  Since this is Talia uncensored and the whole point of this blog is to be super blunt about this ED it wouldn't help to leave things out, right?  I did perfectly fine all day.  As a matter of fact, I had a great hamstring workout and went to work feelin good.  Had all of my food with me, we have three servers on that's how dead it has been on Mondays.  We also had a storm warming so they were expecting us to beslower than usual, they were correct.  I was freaking out all day about my five minute presentation.  I had to have my sister hack into my laptop and send me a document I had to print out.  I also had to print out brochures for my whole class and was worried I wouldn't be able to do so from the school computers (I don't know why I didn't think they would print out as brochures, it's  university campus in the year 2012).

So fast forward to about that time, you know, right before I leave when I think it's a fantastic idea to eat the fuckin almonds, which then leads to eating the honey roasted pecans because my thought process tells me it's ok, you are leaving soon, they are out of oreos and so there is no way this is going to lead to anything else.  Well it didn't but it stirred up the guilt, the frustration, the "how-many-calories-did-I-really-eat" thoughts.  When I finally got on campus and sat down the first thing I did was log into my dailyplate and became overwhelmed with the fact that I was already WAY over my calories and it was only 5.  FML.  I shouted out to my FitStruggle girls and they told me not to starve all night but to eat the salad I wasw going to avoid eating because I didn't want to be extremely over my calories.  I did my presentation, had my salad after and was feeling awesome.

I get home, find out my mom, after over three years finally went for a check up at the doctor!!! HOLY SHIT BALLS I almost had a heart attack myself.  It is here though that when I flash back, I had a bag of almonds in my hand, put them away but was still hungry...hmm here are some croutons, fuck it, I can have a few and be fine.  NOPE.  Cereal and cookies. No, not just one bowl and no not just one cookies. WHAT. THE. FUCK. seriously...how did I do so good all day and ruin it in a matter of 5 minutes? 

Long chat with the boyfriend, Bed and then wake up in the morning from a dream that had me literally in tears.  Doesn't matter what it was but it was emotional enough for me to have my laying in bed thinking "i-really-want-to-just-eat-bad" WHAT, WHAT, WHAT is going on?  So I start texting my understanding girlie friends, which one of them BTW I get to meet in 16 days!  Holy shit!  I am going to Iowa!  How fun!!! A place I have never been!!!  I get the positive things I need, the texts to tell me I need to get out of this negative mindset, that life is strange but I can move on, that food is not going to make me feel better and to talk it out with them.  Also, while I was facebooking I made the call for an appointment for a counseling session and I know I will be watching my phone like a damn owl hunting it's prey.  

Anyways...I know I can make today a success and I will do just that but I also have to rearrange my objectives for my goal since I was unsuccessful I will have to start over and so I add to these objectives:

--no more eating any food at Applebee's or LaPaloma's that I haven't brang for myself to eat!

I can roast this day!

I can be successful!

I can be annoying to all of my friends with my text messages about food!

I will over come this!!