It's insane how one day we can be fine and then the next everything seems so completely overwhelming that we forgot how we dealt with it the first time and revert back to old habits. For myself, being in the MSW program I have learned that there are a lot of people out there in the world that have worse issue than myself. I know for a fact if we all put our problems in a pile and left with someone else's we would wish for ours back but for me it's a struggle to understand why I have this food issue and everyday I think to myself "couldn't I just have a different struggle?" Deep down though I know that once I can understand it and work through it, I will be glad I didn't get struck with a different issues. I had another rough day today and I am just so filled with different anxieties and worries and I can't sort them out on my own any more. I have an amazing boyfriend who says all the right things and friends whom I have never met that live miles and miles away that give me support and people closer that I know have my back but when it all comes down to it it's not what they tell me or suggest it's what I do. What I I I I I I I DO!
I am not sure why I can not get it through my head that I am in control of this exactly the same way I was in control yestersay and came out on top. Today. Not so much. This struggle is like no other, it's frustrating and it's mentally taxing because it causes a spiral of thoughts. Let me just let you into the mind set for a minute. I am currently in a "bulking "phase" for those of you who have no fucking idea what that means it basically means I am putting on muscle, increasing weight, a mind fuck all on it's own. From being almost competition ready to in a bulking phase is extremely difficult. I naturally have a bigger build for my upper body and "bulk" faster and I can already tell. I was telling a few people earlier this afternoon about how uncomfortable I felt, it's frustrating to be a girl and want to be sexy lean and trim but I wanted to give myself the time to do this right. So the frustration from not feeling confortable in my own skin, then the boredom at work. I held out for a really long time, and then I tripped. Immediately I knew I had to S.O.S. and Andrew is the most amazing man that has ever been in my life (ok minus my dad, no one tops him..EVER, so don't even try). Anyways I know all along, all day everyday that it's all ME that has to decide where to go and it's so much easier for people to say "pick up and move on" when it's not them and I give the same advice when it's soemone else but when it comes to me I have never been able to do it, except ONCE... DAMN IT Ginelle...I know this IS the exception isn't it....
That just caught me in my tracks..
I need to make the giant leap into the world of a therapist. I can no longer juggle these thoughts, emotions, feelings, life situations and environmental changes going on around me alone anymore. I just have so much going on in my head that I have no idea how to sort it out anymore, everything over laps, everything falls on top of each other. One day I have it all under control and the next sets me off and I stab all of my tired so I go nowhere instead of only having one and fixing it.
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