Live your life

I have some time before I have to serve the patrons of Applebee's and I figured what better way than to spend this time blogging.  Let's go back to yesterday when I woke up, yes I know yesterday is over and I do not really like to stick my head into the past but I need you to understand the series of events that occured as they occured.

7:30am- Something is licking my face.  Oh, HI RIVER, no I am not getting up to let you out.  I look at the clock and see the time and find it odd that my dad never shut my door.  I have to pee. Screw it, I'm going back to bed.  Not even 5 minutes later I wake up to the phone ringing and ringing and ringing, WTF.  I am not supposed to be rising for another 3 damn hours, I STILL have to pee, FINE.  I get up and go to the bathroom noticing that in the kitchen the coffee pot is out but no coffee is made, the tablespoon is hanging out of the filter in the pot.  Hmmm...weird.....I think nothing of it and pee and then the phone starts ringing again.  I answer it, it's my dad telling me my mom and I better get over to my Aunt's, my grandma isn't going to make it much longer :(  Wow...Not a god start to the day :(  

7:55am- Get to my Aunts, tons of cars in the road/drive way, get inside and the priest is saying prayers over her.  OMG, this is it, I am seriously walking into death, I do not know if I can handle this, but I stay, and cry, and just listen.  

9:00am- She is still holding on, the nurse came and checked on her, moved her, made her look more comfortable, for someone who is dying I am not sure how comfortable or uncomfortable you really feel? All of my family is pretty much there, sitting around, chatting.  I know I have to work at noon and there are some debates going on in my head about whether or not to call in.  If I call in and she doesn't die today will I have a harder time calling in when she actually DOES pass?  It really sucks worrying about whether or not I will get written up when a family member is passing but for reals corps are sick (if you have ever worked for one you know what I mean).

10:00am- I decide to go home and get ready for work, better to keep my mind on doing something, making money instead of wallowing alone which is what I have been doing a lot of lately.  As soon as I step foot into my car I think to myself of how I do NOT want this to end in me turning to food for yet the 4725789046th time. I will NOT do it because I know what it will do to me and I can't have that shit!

3:00pm- Already out of work and at Glen Falls to do some reading, get some sun and talk to my boyfriend before I hit the gym.  I thoroughly enjoyed woring for less than 3 hours, making 50 bucks and being able to still enjoy the hottest time of the day.  Yes folks this is why I am still waitressing, not to mention the fact that I am still in school, interning and it makes it a hell of a lot easier to take time off for mini/random vacations, especially to meet soul sisters and support my closer than actual friends through facebook :)

5:15-630- Cardio multi tasked with reading for my Monday class and then a good training session with Brian.  I admitted to my binge on Tuesday and I felt my inner dissappointment as he dropped his chin to his chest after telling him about my oreo consumption.  The session ended well with praise towards my physical strength and a glimpse into his hopes for my inner strength.

645-  The ride home, probably the best part of the day, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, everthing seems so vivid and green.  Chris Brown's "Beautiful People" comes on the radio and I am dancing, smiling and loving the moment.  In that moment I thought to myself; "this is the real me, here she is, fun, excited about life, living and loving it"  Go read the lyrics here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/chrisbrown/beautifulpeople.html

As in any pop/dance song like this, the words get repeated over and over but the content of them is what means the most, your beauty is inside, don't you know, live your life, it's yours, let it ride.

10:10ish- In my room, facebooking and listening to this song and my mom comes in and tells me she has passed.  I feel nothing at first, but then realize I was playing the above song before/right when she came in.  I truly believe that this song is my message from her that my beauty is inside that I need to love myself, live my life, to take my time and never let anyone bring me down.

Today I went to my first counseling session and it went very well.  I didn't cry, but it felt so good to just talk about me, my life, and know that someone was ACTIVELY listening on the other side, assessing, conjuring up thoughts to help me think of ways they can help.  I know I am strong but more recently I have felt so weak, so vulnerable, so lonely, and I feel a sense of hope and like my boyfriend always tells me, that everything will be ok <3

Funky Chunky Monkey!

Hi folks!  Yes, it's been awhile, honestly, I was avoiding you all like no tomorrow.  I didn't want to admit to what I have been up to.  The last time I wrote to ya'll I came back from Iowa and bragged about how awesome I did staying on plan while nearly in the middle of the United States and on a mini vacation.  Well when I came back it didn't stay like that.  That very day, like clock work coming back from a vacation in the airport I was a huge BITCH.  Never fails, put me anywhere in the world for how ever long and I will be FINE until I am left in the airport that will take me to my first plane ride home.  Something comes over me, oh yes, called reality and I project anger to anyone that gets in my way, sorry Andrew (unfortunately he usually gets most of my wrath).  

Fast forward a few days later and I am FINALLY on my way to Brewerton (small town outside of Syracuse) I was getting irritated because I had to take this massive piece of butcher block to him and go to my sisters for a drawer so he can assist in the making of her birthday gift, a kitchen island.  So of course Talia ends up the middle chic once again.  FINALLY cruising using my mapquest and it says I will arrive at about 10 after 6.  whatevs.  So I am driving along and I see the city starting to get closer, I immediately think this is WRONG but do not want to die on an unknown thruway trying to re calculate it on the map.  Sure enough it took me to madison street in SYRACUSE and not Madison avenue in BREWERTON. Epic fail mapquest, I mean geez you couldn't even offer me the option between street and avenue first and THEN ask if I mean Brewerton??  So here I am near the city, trying to figure out how to get back on the thruway going the right way, in the mean time the google map has me frozen in time and I have to figure it out on my own.  I am crying at this point.  People are looking at me in awe, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.  

All of my intentions were with me in my lunch bag for the 1.5 days I was there, did I use any of it?  Well yes, I made him some oatmeal Ami style!! Everything else was junk junk and more junk.  The two of us are horrible together.  I say I want pizza and he says no, I ask again 10 minutes later and he tip toes around asking me why and if I can or not.  DAMN IT LET'S JUST DO IT.  If it's anything I hate it's someone getting in the way of my eating when I have already decided I want to do it.  One thing is for sure, we are already a happy couple but we will definitely be fat and happy if I don't cut the shit.  We even had a whole conversation about this, my goals, what I want, etc and even on the ride home I find myself wallowing.  I end up hitting the gym on the way back and I feel fantastic but by the end of the night am back at it in pure loneliness, missing my boyfriend.  This has continued since then and I feel as if the more and more I think about it the more I come to the conclusion that now it's me not knowing how to deal with even more feelings.  This time feeling like a part of me is missing.  I have started over a billion times and have failed a billion and one.  I start to think I now have to leave Andrew out of this part of my life for fear he will get fed up with me for failing, for crashing and burning AGAIN or talking about food and feelings for the 26th time.

This is the hardest thing I have EVER had to conquer.  I tried snowboarding a few times and even though I never fully learned bc of a broken arm and a continuation of no health insurance I kepy getting back up when I WAS on that hill and I learned enough to get down without falling a few times.  Since then I can not think of anything that has been this difficult that I have had to overcome except human and pet death and in all honesty I definitely think I had a harder time with pet losses than I did humans #truthsorry

I know there is some sort of solution for me and I am starting to see a counselor on Friday.  Why you may ask?  Well for the obvious reason with my food issues but because I have the food issues and am at a higher weight I also have body dismorphic issues too which I feel will just keep me in a huge circle until I firgure out how to break it.  All I ask out of life during this time, during where I figure out how to get back to where I was happy with myself, is that those who are closest to me NEVER give up on me and always always remind me that as long as I never give up I will only move forward!!

This weekend was seriously a game changer for me.  I am not talking about drastic life changes like getting married or having a baby or some shit I am talking about in my fitness world.  Now, I am not going to beone of those people that say I eat clean ALL of the time because I don't.  If you know anything about me in fact you should know that quite the opposite is true, I LOVE food.  I am ITALIAN, my family owns a pizzaria and if I didn't gain weight just by looking at it I would have my own show on the food network called Talia vs. Food!  I am pretty close to 100% sure I could kill some of those challenges!!!

Anyways, I went to meet my friend Ami in Iowa and I had a fucking blast! Yes, I did meet Ami on the internet, no it wasn't a dating website and no I am not a lesbian, although some might beg to differ from all the pics of hot chics I post.  I will tell you this, if this currently relationship doesn't last I more than likely will become bi but since I don't want to be a negative Nancy and wait for bombs to drop I am going to say, highly unlikely.  :)  

ANYWAYS...I use that word a  lot don't I?  Well I flew in on Thursday and I swear it was like a scene out of a movie when I was coming down the elevator and saw her I ran to her!!! ahhaha, no seriously, I did, and she ran back!  Ami is an amazing person, she is very determined and strong willed and has strengths I do not seem to possess.  I feel like when I was there that we were reuniting after years and years of not seeing each other, it felt like we have known each other for years.  I haven't had that much fun with a "girlfriend" in a long time and it really sucks that she is so far away but I promised a return flight to cheer her on at her competition.  Considering we met through a facebook Team Fit group, and she is training for a competition our weekend was full of working out and eating healthy besides our cheat meal.  Never in my life would I have thought I would ever go on a vacation and get up at 5am to workout!  Never in my life would I have thought that I would eat something called Slutty Brownies and not turn it into a binge.  I have made huge strides since a few weeks ago and I know progress will be slow to get me back to where I feel sexy again but it will ALL be worth it!  I am so thankful for being able to stay with her, she fed me, did my wellness evaluation (can't wait to have it done see how much I have improved), and gave me strength in the gym!! I couldn't have asked for a better vacation and I was so sad to leave!

Now that I am back in Buffalo I find myself wanting to do dishes lol!  I also feel as if I have become stronger in the department of binging.  The last time I did it was May 4th and although I haven't been perfect, I have eaten some things that are not so nutrition I can honestly say I have not binged since then.  I also know I am not scot free, a counselor called me today and I need to call he back to set up sessions but I feel a little more at ease knowing that the plan I am currently doing is not so set in stone and that I am learning how to eat in a healthy manner, and trying not to connect feelings to food.  The other day my boyfriend and I had a not so great conversation, I felt myself getting anxious, tense and frustrated, I had to walk away for a minute but then I felt like I wanted to comfort myself with food.  I knew I had to distract myself and I did, I was able to talk to myself and tell myself that food wouldn't solve any of the issues I had with Andrew at the time, that food would just make things worse, that I didn't want the additional feelings on guilt and anxiety of going through a binge when I had done so well all weekend even after a cheat meal!  I really do not think ya'll know how HUGE that is!!

I am taking my strength and moving forward.  Have I had a few extra bites of potato salad today? (fuck yes I did and I am glad I did because by the time I got home today the rest of it was gone- thank god), did I have a bunch of pretzels today?(yes I did, I was craving something salty and crunchy damn it!)  Do I feel guilty because I did this? Yes.  Did I binge? No.  What was different about this time?  I feel like I am allowing myself to not be so strict.  I am not training for a competition yet and although seeing a competition this weekend really made me feel like shit I know I need to really just learn how to eat to make this a lifestyle so that when I do start training again I will be ready to give it all I have inside of my instead of giving 80%.  I know the things I need to change, I know I am not perfect, I understand I don't need to be perfect right now but I also know my dreams, I know what I want to achieve and I know there are things I need to focus on before I can get there and right now it's getting my mind right, changing my thought process about food, eating for fuel, satisfying cravings but not letting it affect my emtotions and continuing to realize that food will not change anything other than huger!

Stick on's

Not quite sure what I talked about my last blog. Crap.  Hold on, now I have to look.  OK so I left off with how I hit rock bottom, I saw a counselor, my boyfriend is amazing and I am meeting with my trainer.  Well things have changed since then besdies my boyfriend still being amazing.  Somehow, someway he manages to make me fall more in love with him each day.  Stop looking at me like that foxy loxy ;)

ok stop. hault all blogging until I calm down from watching Jenna Marbles.  Seriously, I want to meet this chick, she is fucking awesome.  What caffeine does is the ones I just watched and I swear I couldn't breather because I was laughing so fucking hard.  Seriously Ami, I think when I come to Iowa we need to make one of these!! you down?!

Phew. Ok, back at this blog.  So people, I met with my new trainer on Sunday and was at the gym with him on Monday and today.  I am very thrilled about how this is going to work for me and I basically just need to make my weakest link which is my mind my strongest point.  Easy right? nah, not really.  I have about a decade of thoughts and habits to undo, fuck it, make it two decades, I mean I was eating at 8, right?  Anyways, so far so good and although I still haven't been hooked up with a counselor I have been doing things different on my own.  I need to change my mind and that is going to be the hardest part.  The biggest thing I am working on right now is not allowing myself to take myself down.  I constantly beat myself up for eating bad things and then like the saying goes, stab the rest of my tires because one is flat.  Interestingly enough I am not counting calories right now.  This was a HUGE shock to me but since I am not competing (yet)  I know I am ok with this.  I still weigh and measure things but not everything.  I can't give up doing it 100% because I know once I get back into prep mode it will be harder.  I really just want to eat healthy, get in shape, get the body I know I have under these layers of fat and allow myself to become better not only physically but mentally as well.  I have a lot of dreams and aspirations and things I want to do in the fitness world and I can do them but there are some things I need to re learn first to better myself.

I am lucky to have the people around me that I need to keep me on solid ground, to slap me back to reality and help me reach these goals.  Especially my soul sister Ami whom I finally get to meet TOMORROW!  That's right, I am headed to Iowa, first vacation solo which I am super pumped about and spending it with her is going to make it even better.  I have connected with her in a way I never really have with other friends and considering she is so far away I definitely think our paths were meant to cross.  We have some serious plans to workout together, cook together, see a competition together and especially looking forward to cheating with her! Sounds soooo dirty, well with slutty brownies it will be!  

I am pretty sure that May is my month, I have done a lot of things and will be doing many more and it's all for ME. Selfish bitch Talia at it again! 

No whammies!!

The last time I wrote was about a week ago and that is a week too long and too much of Talia's like ya'll have missed.  The visit with my boyfriend was amazing, I find myself though, more often than not, becoming sad thinking about him leaving rather than enjoying the time I have with him.

My intake session was this past Thursday but can I just start this off with how awful I had been with eating.  I feel like ever since I said I was postponing doing another competition that I have let myself become too lax and it didn't all start like that.  I was still in school, still interning at the time and so things were super stressful.  One of my major triggers for binges, being stressed and not knowing how to deal with it.  For someone who is 28 and experienced a lot of life and is going to school to eventually be a LCSW you would think I had the tools to help myself.  I used the good ole get on the scale scare tactic and there sure as fuck worked.  I am at the highest weight I have ever been, the lowest confidence I have ever had and I don't even think there is an ounce of real self-esteem left over to hold me over until I get my fit body back.  I felt like I had hit rock bottom and I couldn't wait to get to that appointment that I went there a day early.  Sat there on Wednesday afternoon, body filled with anxiety over all of this, a sadness over taken my by the remembrance of my friend Tim that died 3 years ago exactly to that day.  I had been having such a rough time with everything that I just wasn't sure everything would ever be ok all I was doing was continuing to stuff my face day after day.  I felt my body getting puffier and puffier but I didn't care because I kept making rediculous excuses that honestly if I would have told them to anyone they would have laughed in my face but to me, to me they were good enough.

The intake session was like your everyday average psychological assessment, questions asking about OCD, panic disorder, bidpolar disorder, depression, all text book DSM diagnosis.  I hope I made it pretty clear that I am normally a pretty happy individual but this has taken over me.  The worst thing about it is that it's everywhere.  I can't just stop eating, and it seems as if I always somehow manage to be around conversations involving how someone "ate bad over the weekend" or was "cheating today" and everything else.  I worked out afterwards then came home and started to read outside and then came inside to get something to eat, made the mistake of eating something that triggered me into another binge.  Pathetic is what I felt like.  Will I ever fucking get a fucking grip?  The next morning I weighed myself and I was absolutely petrified at what I saw "this can't go on any longer" I prepped myself with "You have to do something about this" 

Yesterday and today I have survived without binging, I also went through the whole day not tracking a single calorie, just being mindful, allowing myself to eat things I enjoy but knowing that eventually I will have to start calorie counting again, but I can't lie, I feel very free.  I am goign to try and see how much I can shave off that scale in the next 7days and when I am in IOWA it will be like a fuckin epiphany, being on vacation, finally united with my soul sister Ami!  An epiphany becayse I have never been on a vacation where I wasn't going to be eating bad, drinking all weekend long and not wortking out.  As a matter of fact we have planned to do everything jsut the opposite and I can NOT wait.

On another really good note I am happy to say that I have the BEST boyfriend on the planet.  I seriously do not know how I have been able to be involved with someone that cares for me in the way that Andrew does and I hope the love we have for each other lasts a lifetime!!!  <3

I also meet with a new trainer tomorrow.  I have decided I need more accountablity and I would get this by working directly with someone at the gym I go to.  I am really excited about it and am keeping my head up and my heart and mind positive!!!

Thanks for reading..