This weekend was seriously a game changer for me.  I am not talking about drastic life changes like getting married or having a baby or some shit I am talking about in my fitness world.  Now, I am not going to beone of those people that say I eat clean ALL of the time because I don't.  If you know anything about me in fact you should know that quite the opposite is true, I LOVE food.  I am ITALIAN, my family owns a pizzaria and if I didn't gain weight just by looking at it I would have my own show on the food network called Talia vs. Food!  I am pretty close to 100% sure I could kill some of those challenges!!!

Anyways, I went to meet my friend Ami in Iowa and I had a fucking blast! Yes, I did meet Ami on the internet, no it wasn't a dating website and no I am not a lesbian, although some might beg to differ from all the pics of hot chics I post.  I will tell you this, if this currently relationship doesn't last I more than likely will become bi but since I don't want to be a negative Nancy and wait for bombs to drop I am going to say, highly unlikely.  :)  

ANYWAYS...I use that word a  lot don't I?  Well I flew in on Thursday and I swear it was like a scene out of a movie when I was coming down the elevator and saw her I ran to her!!! ahhaha, no seriously, I did, and she ran back!  Ami is an amazing person, she is very determined and strong willed and has strengths I do not seem to possess.  I feel like when I was there that we were reuniting after years and years of not seeing each other, it felt like we have known each other for years.  I haven't had that much fun with a "girlfriend" in a long time and it really sucks that she is so far away but I promised a return flight to cheer her on at her competition.  Considering we met through a facebook Team Fit group, and she is training for a competition our weekend was full of working out and eating healthy besides our cheat meal.  Never in my life would I have thought I would ever go on a vacation and get up at 5am to workout!  Never in my life would I have thought that I would eat something called Slutty Brownies and not turn it into a binge.  I have made huge strides since a few weeks ago and I know progress will be slow to get me back to where I feel sexy again but it will ALL be worth it!  I am so thankful for being able to stay with her, she fed me, did my wellness evaluation (can't wait to have it done see how much I have improved), and gave me strength in the gym!! I couldn't have asked for a better vacation and I was so sad to leave!

Now that I am back in Buffalo I find myself wanting to do dishes lol!  I also feel as if I have become stronger in the department of binging.  The last time I did it was May 4th and although I haven't been perfect, I have eaten some things that are not so nutrition I can honestly say I have not binged since then.  I also know I am not scot free, a counselor called me today and I need to call he back to set up sessions but I feel a little more at ease knowing that the plan I am currently doing is not so set in stone and that I am learning how to eat in a healthy manner, and trying not to connect feelings to food.  The other day my boyfriend and I had a not so great conversation, I felt myself getting anxious, tense and frustrated, I had to walk away for a minute but then I felt like I wanted to comfort myself with food.  I knew I had to distract myself and I did, I was able to talk to myself and tell myself that food wouldn't solve any of the issues I had with Andrew at the time, that food would just make things worse, that I didn't want the additional feelings on guilt and anxiety of going through a binge when I had done so well all weekend even after a cheat meal!  I really do not think ya'll know how HUGE that is!!

I am taking my strength and moving forward.  Have I had a few extra bites of potato salad today? (fuck yes I did and I am glad I did because by the time I got home today the rest of it was gone- thank god), did I have a bunch of pretzels today?(yes I did, I was craving something salty and crunchy damn it!)  Do I feel guilty because I did this? Yes.  Did I binge? No.  What was different about this time?  I feel like I am allowing myself to not be so strict.  I am not training for a competition yet and although seeing a competition this weekend really made me feel like shit I know I need to really just learn how to eat to make this a lifestyle so that when I do start training again I will be ready to give it all I have inside of my instead of giving 80%.  I know the things I need to change, I know I am not perfect, I understand I don't need to be perfect right now but I also know my dreams, I know what I want to achieve and I know there are things I need to focus on before I can get there and right now it's getting my mind right, changing my thought process about food, eating for fuel, satisfying cravings but not letting it affect my emtotions and continuing to realize that food will not change anything other than huger!