Hi folks! Yes, it's been awhile, honestly, I was avoiding you all like no tomorrow. I didn't want to admit to what I have been up to. The last time I wrote to ya'll I came back from Iowa and bragged about how awesome I did staying on plan while nearly in the middle of the United States and on a mini vacation. Well when I came back it didn't stay like that. That very day, like clock work coming back from a vacation in the airport I was a huge BITCH. Never fails, put me anywhere in the world for how ever long and I will be FINE until I am left in the airport that will take me to my first plane ride home. Something comes over me, oh yes, called reality and I project anger to anyone that gets in my way, sorry Andrew (unfortunately he usually gets most of my wrath).
Fast forward a few days later and I am FINALLY on my way to Brewerton (small town outside of Syracuse) I was getting irritated because I had to take this massive piece of butcher block to him and go to my sisters for a drawer so he can assist in the making of her birthday gift, a kitchen island. So of course Talia ends up the middle chic once again. FINALLY cruising using my mapquest and it says I will arrive at about 10 after 6. whatevs. So I am driving along and I see the city starting to get closer, I immediately think this is WRONG but do not want to die on an unknown thruway trying to re calculate it on the map. Sure enough it took me to madison street in SYRACUSE and not Madison avenue in BREWERTON. Epic fail mapquest, I mean geez you couldn't even offer me the option between street and avenue first and THEN ask if I mean Brewerton?? So here I am near the city, trying to figure out how to get back on the thruway going the right way, in the mean time the google map has me frozen in time and I have to figure it out on my own. I am crying at this point. People are looking at me in awe, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
All of my intentions were with me in my lunch bag for the 1.5 days I was there, did I use any of it? Well yes, I made him some oatmeal Ami style!! Everything else was junk junk and more junk. The two of us are horrible together. I say I want pizza and he says no, I ask again 10 minutes later and he tip toes around asking me why and if I can or not. DAMN IT LET'S JUST DO IT. If it's anything I hate it's someone getting in the way of my eating when I have already decided I want to do it. One thing is for sure, we are already a happy couple but we will definitely be fat and happy if I don't cut the shit. We even had a whole conversation about this, my goals, what I want, etc and even on the ride home I find myself wallowing. I end up hitting the gym on the way back and I feel fantastic but by the end of the night am back at it in pure loneliness, missing my boyfriend. This has continued since then and I feel as if the more and more I think about it the more I come to the conclusion that now it's me not knowing how to deal with even more feelings. This time feeling like a part of me is missing. I have started over a billion times and have failed a billion and one. I start to think I now have to leave Andrew out of this part of my life for fear he will get fed up with me for failing, for crashing and burning AGAIN or talking about food and feelings for the 26th time.
This is the hardest thing I have EVER had to conquer. I tried snowboarding a few times and even though I never fully learned bc of a broken arm and a continuation of no health insurance I kepy getting back up when I WAS on that hill and I learned enough to get down without falling a few times. Since then I can not think of anything that has been this difficult that I have had to overcome except human and pet death and in all honesty I definitely think I had a harder time with pet losses than I did humans #truthsorry
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