The truth

 DISCLAIMER:  This new blog is all about my struggles with binge eating.  My goal is to write in this daily, like a daily journal, DUH, hence the name of this blog "Dear Diary"  I will tell you right now Ron, I am going to be very honest with all of the things in here, I am not going to sugar coat and as my trainer I just hope it can help me be a better client so I can finally begin to uncover what is happening, how this affects me, how I need to deal with it and what I need to do differently.  Comments are always welcome but please keep in mind that this is my struggle, my battle and it is wasn't an easy decision to allow the world to come into it but writing is theraputic for me and since I am on the internet A LOT, I figured I would do better at an online journal than I would with a written one,,,,

I have decided to create another blog, a blog that's 100% real.  No secrets, no lies, no bullshit.  In order to figure myself out, I need to understand myself and what better way than to do it through writing.  The truth is, I am an undiagnosed binge eater.  The truth is, I am currently seeking a therapist (this process may take awhile considering the lack of health insurance).  Thee truth is, this issue has been ongoing for so long that it's time I take a stand in my OWN life, and open up my own eyes all the while maybe being able to help someone else.

The truth is, I believe it started a long time ago, I am going to guess way back in high school, my senior year when I decided I wanted to lose weight.  I am pretty sure I kept it hush hush, at one point friends became concerned.  I remember my friends asking me at lunch why I wasn't eating my response was because I already ate everything.  I changed my eating habits, I ate more frequently, smaller meals, worked out daily even sometimes through phone calls when my mom would say "she's doing her workout video, can she call you back?"  I ended up losing a lot of weight and I was thrilled at my results but what I didn't know is that this set the stage.  I started getting more and more into fitness, starting working at a gym, got my PT cert, started doing research, reading magazines and before I knew it I was labeling foods as "good" or "bad", calorie counting, macro counting, maticulously writing meal plans, workout plans, I was literally lost in numbers.

I am not exactly sure when it started but I know that all of the above are ways in which the binge eating occured.  I would eat perfect for a week and then I would crave something small, eat it and then feel like I have sabotaged everything, ny mind went into a different direction spiraling out of control with negative thoughts, self sabotage, guilt and shame for not being able to stick to my goals.  So here I am, sick of the cycle, sick of doing this over and over and I am DETERMINED to figure it out so I can reach my goals of being a top competitor, a fitness model, getting to the top and sharing my story with everyone.

I will start with today, which was supposed to be this fantastic, whimsical of a day, folllowing my meal plan and incorporating 1 thing that was "not so healthy" which so happened to be some starburst jellybeans.  Weighed out and packed into my lunch bag with all of my other meals.It worked perfectly but then while I was at work and bored and was offered to leave early I took the chance, went home and literally put on  my bikni and went tanning outside.  After all of the food I consumed this weekend, I was glad I was in the privacy of my own backyard.  Everything was hunky dorey, even took a nap and then my parents were eating dinner.  I decided to sit down and have a chicken salad.  I ate a few croutons, no big deal, I had some potatoes, shit, then my dad's bread...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.  It was HERE that my thoughts raced out of control, I couldn't stop them, this is the part I struggle with the most but I can never turn myself around.  I was ok with the croutons but that's where they thoughts came into play.  The "well you had a few, mind as well just eat a few more" "well there are no croutons left, you aren't competing anytime soon, have some potatoes"  "There is one piece of Dad's bread left, you may never get to eat his bread again"  This is the aspect of binge eating I struggle with the most.  No matter what I do I can never tell myself that it's ok and to move on, instead I internally self-sabotage and let it get out of hand.  I am hoping that starting this daily journal will help me sort these things out and finally be binge free and happy.