No whammies!!

The last time I wrote was about a week ago and that is a week too long and too much of Talia's like ya'll have missed.  The visit with my boyfriend was amazing, I find myself though, more often than not, becoming sad thinking about him leaving rather than enjoying the time I have with him.

My intake session was this past Thursday but can I just start this off with how awful I had been with eating.  I feel like ever since I said I was postponing doing another competition that I have let myself become too lax and it didn't all start like that.  I was still in school, still interning at the time and so things were super stressful.  One of my major triggers for binges, being stressed and not knowing how to deal with it.  For someone who is 28 and experienced a lot of life and is going to school to eventually be a LCSW you would think I had the tools to help myself.  I used the good ole get on the scale scare tactic and there sure as fuck worked.  I am at the highest weight I have ever been, the lowest confidence I have ever had and I don't even think there is an ounce of real self-esteem left over to hold me over until I get my fit body back.  I felt like I had hit rock bottom and I couldn't wait to get to that appointment that I went there a day early.  Sat there on Wednesday afternoon, body filled with anxiety over all of this, a sadness over taken my by the remembrance of my friend Tim that died 3 years ago exactly to that day.  I had been having such a rough time with everything that I just wasn't sure everything would ever be ok all I was doing was continuing to stuff my face day after day.  I felt my body getting puffier and puffier but I didn't care because I kept making rediculous excuses that honestly if I would have told them to anyone they would have laughed in my face but to me, to me they were good enough.

The intake session was like your everyday average psychological assessment, questions asking about OCD, panic disorder, bidpolar disorder, depression, all text book DSM diagnosis.  I hope I made it pretty clear that I am normally a pretty happy individual but this has taken over me.  The worst thing about it is that it's everywhere.  I can't just stop eating, and it seems as if I always somehow manage to be around conversations involving how someone "ate bad over the weekend" or was "cheating today" and everything else.  I worked out afterwards then came home and started to read outside and then came inside to get something to eat, made the mistake of eating something that triggered me into another binge.  Pathetic is what I felt like.  Will I ever fucking get a fucking grip?  The next morning I weighed myself and I was absolutely petrified at what I saw "this can't go on any longer" I prepped myself with "You have to do something about this" 

Yesterday and today I have survived without binging, I also went through the whole day not tracking a single calorie, just being mindful, allowing myself to eat things I enjoy but knowing that eventually I will have to start calorie counting again, but I can't lie, I feel very free.  I am goign to try and see how much I can shave off that scale in the next 7days and when I am in IOWA it will be like a fuckin epiphany, being on vacation, finally united with my soul sister Ami!  An epiphany becayse I have never been on a vacation where I wasn't going to be eating bad, drinking all weekend long and not wortking out.  As a matter of fact we have planned to do everything jsut the opposite and I can NOT wait.

On another really good note I am happy to say that I have the BEST boyfriend on the planet.  I seriously do not know how I have been able to be involved with someone that cares for me in the way that Andrew does and I hope the love we have for each other lasts a lifetime!!!  <3

I also meet with a new trainer tomorrow.  I have decided I need more accountablity and I would get this by working directly with someone at the gym I go to.  I am really excited about it and am keeping my head up and my heart and mind positive!!!

Thanks for reading..