Woman crushes

I thought the title might entice others to read :)  Obviously it worked because here you are!  Well yes, I do admit I have woman crushes and if we can't admit that then we are lying to ourselves.  Does it mean I will turn into a woman lover?  Nah, I have the man of my dreams (no worries Andrew).  A girl can appreciate a hot body because this is what she dreams to achieve too, all motivation, inspiration and love!  Of course I am jealous of some of ya'll out there right now but this picture above explains it all and I do have the power to change, it may take time and I have to be easy on myself and allow nmyself to make mistakes but I know I have control.

This morning I woke up and it was bright as fuck in our room.  I slightly panicked and thought holy shit it's like 1 in the afternoon and I will have time to do nothing, ridiculous thoughts going on and since I didn't have my contacts in I had to squint really hard to see that it was only......830!  YAY!!!!  So I know, laying there for a minute that there are still some junk foods in the house from yesterday....I think about what I'm going to do...go back to sleep, get up and go to the gym?  I think a big part of this disorder are the thoughts, they are so consuming, they take over sometimes and it's almost like it makes it worse to try and think differently but I know I will never change if I don't try....What will I decide?  Well I got my ass up, tossed the not so nutritious food consumption thoughts out the window and make my healthy breakfast.  I also decided to hit the gym early and as soon as I can scrape myself away from facebook and writing blogs I can get there sooner so I have time to lay poolside before my class.

Thinking ahead, I have 6 classes in the next 1.5 weeks all 8 hours and go from 845-430, more than half of me is telling myself that I better arrange to get to the gym BEFORE class because there is no way in hell I am going to want to go after.  So here I go...get ready to hit the gym, get my hamstring workout in, cardio in and then enjoy the day before class!!

Control

New job. New living situation.  Old problem. Two very huge changes in a small amount of time especially the living situation.  I have never lived with another man, not to mention a boyfriend and honestly never thought the day would come.  I do though, have someone who works hard, who moved his life for me and I feel like my old problem which is still my current problem (BN) is hindering me from being the Talia we both once knew.  

The major thing here is that I KNOW what I am capable of, I know I can lean out, stay on a competition diet and strut my sexy shit across that stage like I have been doing it for years (ok maybe not that cocky) but still, I HAVE done it before and so why is it so hard to get that back now?  Control.  Thanks to Whitney, I had an epiphany over this little but huge word! I know what I am doing, sometimes I want to do it, sometimes I know even if I try to avoid it, the thought is still there, from the time I wake up until the time I let that first bite hit my mouth.  It's hard when your body image and confidence reflects how you feel about yourself and if one is negative chances are so is the other.  I'm a waitress, have been for as long as I can remember, was doing it since I was old enough to and for those of you who don;t know, we are damn good actressess/actors.  I think the best kind!  Why?  because we have to go out on that "floor" and no matter what mood we are in, no matter what is bothering us, no matter what happened before we came in, the night before or what we are worried about happening after we have to put aside and fake being excited to serve them today even if they annoy the fuck out of us and we want to push them off of their chairs.  I also think it's control.  I can't control how much longer I have until I graduate, I can't control arguements that may happen between Andrew and I and so as much as I know I hate having an issue with food I literaly am in control and I know it that's the most fucked up part.  I wake up and KNOW it's going to happen and I ALLOW IT TO !!!  That makes no fucking sense but this disorder doesn't make any sense either, well of course it does but for me, going through it, living in it for over 5 years, it fucking sucks because it's a constant cycle.  The battle to know the difference between extremes and moderation, I once knew it but the deeper I got into fitness the further apart I spread good foods and bad foods.

The even shittier part is trying to expain this to people who have no fucking clue.  Who think a binge is eating a whole bowl of lettuce, people who barely eat three meals a day and people who question why you are carrying around a gallon of water every day!! Seriously sometimes it gets to the point where SHUT THE FUCK UP might be the next four words out of my mouth.  As I type this profanity, I also wonder whether or not taking myself off of the pill because I am inbetween health insurances and can't get my vagina checked has anything to do with my hormones.  Still, can I use that as an excuse for projection?  My boyfriend doesn't seem to think so and I know I have the control to determine whether or not he sticks around for much longer.  

After this long rant the bottom line is I know I have the control.  I choose on a daily basis all of what I consume.  Well I know I do NOT choose to give up, I do NOT choose to quit and I most definitely do NOT choose failure.  I will be a success story, I will get to the top and when I'm at the top I will give my hand to anyone who needs the help getting to that same place!  Social work power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ginelle come with me !!!!!!

A work in progress

Being a student in the Social Work program and realizing that most of the time we will have to make a diagnosis on someone for insurance purposes is tough.  Now that I have been labeled I can see where it is important for the therapist to make sure they don't use that label or refer to it at all. I most certainly do not want to be know as the girl with an eating disorder and although I knew that had to have been apart of me for over 3 years I know now that I am slowly making the steps to get better.

So my second session was this past Tuesday and the night before my boyfriend and I got into an argument about something that I can't even remember.  I ended up eating some dorito chip mix because I was craving it and I figured why not try and just eat some.  Well I did and after I started to feel that guilt.  I then realized I had to weigh in at my appointment and suddenly I went from being ok with it to going to bed feeling depressed.

The time came to head to my appointment that day and I went with butterflies in my stomach with thoughts all about a number.  What if it's higher?  I know it is, I consumed a ton of sodium yesterday (is what I think to myself).  Sure enough I am right and I went up three pounds which absolutely killed me.  I tried not to let it show but then realized, this is for YOU Talia, let her know this is something that bothers you.  SO ..I did and I was glad I did.  She exaplained to me that the weekly weigh in is for monitoring and that I need to realize that it was ONLY three pounds. She also said she doesn't want me to have a specific goal weight in mind yet and to focus on staying within a 6lb weight range.  I know that our bodies fluctuate our weight depending on what we do/don't do, what we eat etc and so I should know this but it's very difficult to keep in mind when everything is focused on body image and how far away I am from where I want to be.

My homework for the next few weeks because she will be out of town is to do more close monitoring, to bracket off meals, to be more descriptive when I write in comments and to just to focus on eating healthy and eating the not so nutritious stuff in moderation.

This shit isn't easy, I slipped up that night because I was stressed and arguing with Andrew (ya'll are probably starting to wonder if that's all we ever do- we are over it now) but at the time as I sat there I KNEW there were chips left over and I KNEW we had to go to the store and shop and so I didn't do a Talia all out binge but I did over eat and so I call it a mini binge bc I know it could have been worse but it still happened.  This is where I also need to step into myself and look at it from a different angle, think about what I consumed and be proud that I didn't let it go further than I did.  To be honest it was nothing compared to what a normal binge for me would be and I stopped.

So today I woke up and started to feel quilty and worthless and like I mind as well binge all day since I did the night before but somehow, I don't know how..ok suppose I did, I just talked myself into eating healthy.  I thought about how much food we got that was all healthy and the fact that we didn't even have any bad food to eat anyways and the only access I had was food my dad sells downstairs but I wasn't going to get that.  So I got up and started the day and made a new recipe for my oatmeal and made the day mine!

Baby steps I will get there.  I will reach my goals.  I will binge less, I will be able to eat things in moderation, I will compete again, I will do photo shoots, I will get into Oxygen magazine and make all of my dreams come true damn it!  I WILL be a success story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Shout out to Kelsey who is my success story idol!!!  <3

DIAGNOSED DOMESTICATION

It has been almost a month since I have written and that is just way too damn long and I mean how else am I going to talk about my life and share things other than blowing up people's news feeds on facebook twice a day.

First of all Andrew and I are officially living together and let me just say 1 thing.  If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be living in my Grandparents apartment with my boyfriend I would have fuckin slapped you silly and died with laughter.  No way I would have believed it for a minute.  Flash forward to now and here I am sitting here waiting for him to get home.  Domestic life is ...well..it's not easy.  For so long it has been all about me and that will never change (for the most part- lmao) but now I really have to focus on not only making myself happy but making my partner happy and making us as a couple happy.  Small arguments will happen and I have to say that, basically, be jealous of my love life because Andrew is a rare breed and he's mine :)  I won't get all sappy shit on you but you get the idea, he loves me and he shows me in more ways than anyone ever has and anyone ever will (send me your address for a wedding invite).

I also nailed a new job, sweet right, a new job, where does she work now?  A big girl job? Please stop writing like this and tell us you bitch!  Big girl job? No.  Another serving job?  OF COURSE! I work at Cracker Barrel and it is WAY better than my previous job, more money, less drama, less eating of shitty food.  Hell, I don't want to be the new girl eating biscuits all day. GROSS

So now that we are finally on the topic of food, which is obviously the only reason I ever write these things, I finally went back to my counselor to get feed back from all of those weird ass tests I did.  Did I ever mention these?  Playing with blocks, trying to get them to look like the picture, describing words, comparing words, 300 questionnaire on the computer, yeah that crazy shit took 2 hours.  So what did they get out of that two hours?  That I have bulimia nervosa non purging type.  This was a shock to me, I never thought of bulemia as anything else other than someone who binged and then puked that shit up.  I alsways thought I had binge eating disorder (B.E.D) and she said she toyed with the idea but those with B.E.D do not use any compensatory behaviors.  What the fuck does that mean?  Well, once upon a time I would over exercise, sometimes I would under eat, a few times I have fasted by the majority of the time I just restricted my eating, all....the.....time...I really can't believe I am putting this out there for all to read but honestly, I know there has to be someone out there that is going through this and doesn't know how to deal so I am going to let you into my world with treatment.

The first day we talked about how things would go and I am to use a log everyday for writing down what I eat, when, where, if I thought it was excessive if I did anything to compensate and my feelings about it.  I have a sheet she printed out for me and I am to do this daily.  This doesn't bother me at all since I already track but the added thought process and writing down feelings and things I know will definitely benefit me in a huge way if I do it consistently.  I also talked with her about ways to deal with my behaviors when in stressful situations, I get frustrated, annoyed and angry easily and do not always handle it the way a 28 year old adult should.  I think most of the time I just react and there are no cognitive actions before hand and so that is why I think this aspect of it is going to help a lot.

I am excited to make myself better, to reach my goals.  I still want to compete, I still have fitness goals etc but I know I need to nip this in the ass once and for all!  I would appreciate any support I could get along the way and to pass this blog along to others that might benefit from this as well.  This is my stepping stone and I am very excited to finally have found it!

Good morning!! I am running on about 4 cups of coffee (big no no to Mr. Z, I know) and about 13 hours of sleep, minus however long I talked to Andrew last night in the middle of it all.  Honestly, there have been a few days this week where I said I needed to blog and now that I am doing it I have no clue what to write.

I will start with my eating problem.  I did not get the chance to go to my counseling appointment this week because I chose training over talking.  I pay my trainer WAY more than I pay her and I def want this so skipping the gym is NEVER an option to me.  It's crazy how dedicated I can be to that but when it comes to eating it gets so tough! My trainer has been grading me each week on my diet, the first time I was at 65% and the second time I was at 67%  I was very proud of my progress because I know that for me, a week without binging is the biggest success and second to that is slipping on my diet and not letting it drag me down to the ground which usually happens.  For anyone with a binge eating problem, who also has competed or even has big dreams of just feeling sexy and fit this issue is HUGE.  No one can explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it the feelings and emotions we go through when we think we have failed.  That first thought at failure is the little devil in our minds, and she is a complete BITCH.  She will not stop putting things in your head until you have completely screwed up to the point where you go to bed so depressed you think you won't ever come out of it.  Then when you wake up she is right there waiting for you telling you that since you already failed you mind as well keep going.  This can go on for days, weeks, even months.  So when I decide to tell her to shut the fuck up and when I eat some oreos and 2 fries but then do not let it affect me the rest of the day that success is enormous to me!  

A lot seems to be changing in my life and although I feel as if I can handle it very well it doesn't come without at least a little bit of stress.  I finally put my two weeks in at Applebee's and it felt SO good.  Yes, I know I am leaving to go to another serving job but whatever, I will be making more money and if I don't I will keep searching.  I am so happy for this change that my happiness level went up a notch just handing that piece of paper in.  

My boyfriend/soulmate/best friend is also moving here in 14 days and I can not express to anyone just how happy I am!  My parents gave us the ok to stay above the restaurant and it has been stressful bc there is no furniture up there, I put it all in a storage for when we finally get a place of our own. FUCK. Well anyways I could care less if all we had was a mattress (which is what we have now) bc I can not wait to sleep next to him every night, hang out with him when we have time off, go places together, do things together as a couple, double date, sooooo many things we can do that we couldn't do before because we are long distance.  These are all things that I dream about doing with him and get a little upset each time I see a couple out together, happy as can be.  I am incomplete without him here.  He has really put forth the effort in making sure my family knows he is there for them, to help out when needed and they all really love him!  Good thing because he's staying in the family :)

A few other thigns occur here and there but this bitch has got to stop pussy footin around and get ready for strawberry picking!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just the beginning

I have no idea what my last blog was about and to be honest I really don't care, you get what you get and if I repeat things, deal with it or don't read it.  After losing my Grandma almost 2 weeks ago, moving stuff out of her apartment, going to a wedding, having my boyfriend here and then leaving in a flash I feel like "loss" is such a huge emotion that many people over look.  Think about it, you can lose people, you can lose things, a job, a house, a pet, you can lose yourself, confidence, etc.  There are so many ways to think of loss other than death, just ponder for a moment before you move on.....

I sit here and my head slightly hurts, I have no make up on and my hair isn't done.  I just got back from UB because we all know I can't do homework at home and I am proud to say that I got done what I needed to get done and more.  The whole time though I couldn't help but think about how much I missed my boyfriend.  This weekend so many amazing things, little and big, happened that allowed me to really see how much I mean to him.  I want to start with the fact that I told my mother we wanted to get married, she was thrilled but then making sure Dad knew was another story, once he found out he wanted to have a talk with us.  I know this is the man I want to marry and I know I am the woman he wants to marry.  I never realized how badly norms have a hold on us, Andrew and I would have gone Friday afternoon or Saturday morning but everyone else seems to think there is a time period that you need to wait.  I understand people don't think we know each other but on the flip side, no one knows our relationship.  I have never felt the way that I feel, sure relationships were similar, similar things happened, but not quite like this and I know the world is on our side, here is an amazing example.  The wedding was in Tonowanda, the reception was in West Seneca, both trips occuring between 330-530 on a Friday.  Now what do YOU think traffic was like?  Let me give you an idea, the driver, ME, became moody, irritated, annoyed and tired and in the same trip and ended up snapping at the other parties in the car (it was only my mother, Andrew and I).  When we got there we stepped away to talk, we weren't on the same page, both looking off into other directions not sure of where to take it both knowing that if something doesn't happen soon the night will be ruined over something absolutely ridiculous..my mouth,,again..gee, go figure.  I was also subconsciously uneasy about the whole food situation.  What were they having to eat?  What about the cake?  Should I eat it? What if I do will I want more?  Will I want to binge later?  Will eating the cake lead to a binge?  Should I not eat it?  Horrible,,Anyways...back to us walking away from the crowd...

All of a sudden, this lady comes walking down to us with a camera, her face is lit up, her smile a mile wide.  As soon as she gets close enough, she starts spit firing questions:  Look at you two, are you too next? are you married? engaged? how long have you been dating? Little did I know that this lady would be our guardian angel today.  She asked to take a picture of us by the little creek, obviously we said yes.  She looked at the photo and was over joyed with how beautiful it turned out and she wanted to take more commenting on how she loved us together, how in love we looked just by the way we looked at each other.  When she found out we only had been dating about 3 months her jaw dropped to the floor.  Long story short she got a bunch of shots of us looking at each other and what she captured was what we both needed to see, and exactly what we needed to get us out of the funk we were in.  Needless to say, we walked back to table 10 a happy couple again.  Food update on the wedding- I had the cake, a small slice with a scoop of ice cream and some candy.  At the end right before leaving, I strayed back over to the candy and Andrew was there to take it out of my hands and save me :)

Fast forward to the next morning when we are supposed to move most of my Grandma's furniture to a storage unit in Williamsville.  My dad gets there and said his truck wouldn't start.  I go tell Andrew and not even 5 seconds later he has his coat on and is out the door after my dad to try and fix it.  Meanwhile I start taking shit down, including a wooden table on my back, awesome morning workout.  I had to take the SUV there and unload and get everything set with the storage unit, come back and get to work by noon.  Although the morning was rushed I sometimes feel like I get a rise out of these types of situations, I like a fast paced world.  Anyways, I am at work, hear nothing, a few hours later get a picture of a couch stuck in the stair way and five minutes later an employee telling me to check my section.  Andrew was sitting there for like 10 minutes!  Turns out my dad's truck dying was life's way of saying Andrew and my Dad needed some time together!  Everything turned out perfect, he fixed the truck and my dad ended up passing down a kitchen chair with arm rests on it called the "Captain's Chair" to Andrew.  Once was his fathers and now Andrew's, you could only imagine my facial expressions at this point, my mind going wild thinking about my dad and my boyfriend bonding, something that has never happened, EVER to this extreme.  Add to that my sister giving him a hug and I am 99% sure that my family has not only accepted him but would love for him to be in the family!!

Words can not express what this weekend meant to me and I hope that when everyone reads this they can feel how I feel right now.  Although I am sad that he is back in Brewerton and I am unsure of when I will see him again I am so extremely happy that I have a man that loves me as much as he does and not only tells me but shows me.  Shows me by doing what he can for my family, helping them, talking to them and just being him.  He makes me better, he makes me stronger, he makes me happy.  He is my best friend, my boyfriend, my soulmate <3

Live your life

I have some time before I have to serve the patrons of Applebee's and I figured what better way than to spend this time blogging.  Let's go back to yesterday when I woke up, yes I know yesterday is over and I do not really like to stick my head into the past but I need you to understand the series of events that occured as they occured.

7:30am- Something is licking my face.  Oh, HI RIVER, no I am not getting up to let you out.  I look at the clock and see the time and find it odd that my dad never shut my door.  I have to pee. Screw it, I'm going back to bed.  Not even 5 minutes later I wake up to the phone ringing and ringing and ringing, WTF.  I am not supposed to be rising for another 3 damn hours, I STILL have to pee, FINE.  I get up and go to the bathroom noticing that in the kitchen the coffee pot is out but no coffee is made, the tablespoon is hanging out of the filter in the pot.  Hmmm...weird.....I think nothing of it and pee and then the phone starts ringing again.  I answer it, it's my dad telling me my mom and I better get over to my Aunt's, my grandma isn't going to make it much longer :(  Wow...Not a god start to the day :(  

7:55am- Get to my Aunts, tons of cars in the road/drive way, get inside and the priest is saying prayers over her.  OMG, this is it, I am seriously walking into death, I do not know if I can handle this, but I stay, and cry, and just listen.  

9:00am- She is still holding on, the nurse came and checked on her, moved her, made her look more comfortable, for someone who is dying I am not sure how comfortable or uncomfortable you really feel? All of my family is pretty much there, sitting around, chatting.  I know I have to work at noon and there are some debates going on in my head about whether or not to call in.  If I call in and she doesn't die today will I have a harder time calling in when she actually DOES pass?  It really sucks worrying about whether or not I will get written up when a family member is passing but for reals corps are sick (if you have ever worked for one you know what I mean).

10:00am- I decide to go home and get ready for work, better to keep my mind on doing something, making money instead of wallowing alone which is what I have been doing a lot of lately.  As soon as I step foot into my car I think to myself of how I do NOT want this to end in me turning to food for yet the 4725789046th time. I will NOT do it because I know what it will do to me and I can't have that shit!

3:00pm- Already out of work and at Glen Falls to do some reading, get some sun and talk to my boyfriend before I hit the gym.  I thoroughly enjoyed woring for less than 3 hours, making 50 bucks and being able to still enjoy the hottest time of the day.  Yes folks this is why I am still waitressing, not to mention the fact that I am still in school, interning and it makes it a hell of a lot easier to take time off for mini/random vacations, especially to meet soul sisters and support my closer than actual friends through facebook :)

5:15-630- Cardio multi tasked with reading for my Monday class and then a good training session with Brian.  I admitted to my binge on Tuesday and I felt my inner dissappointment as he dropped his chin to his chest after telling him about my oreo consumption.  The session ended well with praise towards my physical strength and a glimpse into his hopes for my inner strength.

645-  The ride home, probably the best part of the day, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, everthing seems so vivid and green.  Chris Brown's "Beautiful People" comes on the radio and I am dancing, smiling and loving the moment.  In that moment I thought to myself; "this is the real me, here she is, fun, excited about life, living and loving it"  Go read the lyrics here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/chrisbrown/beautifulpeople.html

As in any pop/dance song like this, the words get repeated over and over but the content of them is what means the most, your beauty is inside, don't you know, live your life, it's yours, let it ride.

10:10ish- In my room, facebooking and listening to this song and my mom comes in and tells me she has passed.  I feel nothing at first, but then realize I was playing the above song before/right when she came in.  I truly believe that this song is my message from her that my beauty is inside that I need to love myself, live my life, to take my time and never let anyone bring me down.

Today I went to my first counseling session and it went very well.  I didn't cry, but it felt so good to just talk about me, my life, and know that someone was ACTIVELY listening on the other side, assessing, conjuring up thoughts to help me think of ways they can help.  I know I am strong but more recently I have felt so weak, so vulnerable, so lonely, and I feel a sense of hope and like my boyfriend always tells me, that everything will be ok <3