River

A few weeks ago my handsome prince River was diagnosed with kidney failure.  Tests were done, he spent over a week at the hospital and still no one could figure out why.  Was it from animals roaming in the yard?  A poison?  Something from the breed?  To this very day we do not have an answer but we lost an amazing dog.  He got sick rather quickly and each time I saw him although he still wagged his tail with joy that he had a vistitor his eyes were still filled with sadness.  It killed me to see him like this but to think of the alternative made me want to puke.  My mother is absolutely amazing, bought basically every kind of food she could think of to try and get him to eat, laid by his side at night and gave it her best to make him better but it just wasn't working.  A friend of mine Jen, helped me through this, she gave me advice and told me that I needed to ask him if it was his time.  I thought she was crazy, how the fuck do I do that let alone do it without crying?  She reassured me that I have to be strong for him and be there for him because he can't make his own decisions and when I sat next to him I said "is it your time?"  He wouldn't look at me, he kept looking away so I kept telling him how much I love him, how I will love him forever, how he has made an impact in my life and I then asked in a different way.  I said to him "you don't want to do this anymore, do you?"  He turned his head and looked right at me and I saw those sad eyes.  He was struggling, we all knew it but we didn't want to say it that we would have to let him go.

I was at work on Sunday, I hada missed call and voicemail from my mom, worst thing every when something like this is lingering around, I debated on listening to it or calling her back.  One of the girls there encouraged me to do so and that if I needed to leave it would be ok that managers would understand and they did.  I went and met my family there and was with him during his last moments of life.  He didn't look like River laying there, there was not much life to him, and seeing him hurt made me hurt.  

After he was gone, my heart ached, a pain deeper than I could even begin to describe.  Anyone who has lost a pet can attest to this same pain but it's different for everyone.  All I know is that for me it hurt and it hurt even worse to see all of my family the same way.  

River lived a good life.  He was brought into a home with his sister, he loved to play and tug on things.  He didn't like to let go because frankly I think he liked pulling with all his strength.  He loved being outside with his sister, going for walks and getting people food.  Most of all he loved his dad, followed him around everywhere, in the yard, through the kitchen, at the table, in the living room and was a huge protector for all of us.

With all my heart I loved these dogs and I will forever hold them close to me <3 I know the pain will stay around for some time but I know I need to pick myself up and move forward.  I have a lot of things going on in my life and this just added to the pile of emotions.  In the end I know River is in a better place, that he is with his sister again, happy and healthy.  It is time for me to get back to that too <3

My handsome Prince River! Boy it has been a long time again since I have written a blog.  Last time was July 16th and to be honest I can't even think of where to start.  First of all I can't even begin to describe how I feel about River not being in this world much longer.  My heart aches, and the pain goes deeper than I will ever be able to touch or cure because we all know the biggest therapy are kisses from your dog.  He has given me trillions of kisses through the years and it is a struggle to come to terms with his illness.  He has kidney failure, won't eat and could pass very soon.  I really hope with all of my hope that he will pass in his sleep at home before any decisions have to be made, otherwise he will just starve and that it's fair.  What also isn't fair is seeing how excited he gets to be home, to see family and just his overall ....I don't know what you would call it, I got this far and I am already crying.  I love him so much and after just losing his sister back in December the pain is all too familiar.  I can honestly say I never grieve like this towards a human and as awful as that may sound maybe it's because I have no lost someone so very close to me but I will always say that our pets get closer to us than anyone in the world.  I know how much he loves us and how much we love him I selfishly do not want him to go but wish he would go on his own instead of having to do it the other way.  

Getting a puppy is so exciting and I remember all of the things they used to do.  When we first got them they would literally sleep on top of each other, bother and sister, as close as they could get.  They would often sleep butt to butt like they were mirror images of each other.  The loved to play and they loved to be loved just like any other dog.  Rain was very playful, always had the ball in her mouth.  Wouldn't matter where the ball was either because as soon as you asked her "where's your ball" she would walk away and return with it in her mouth, tail waggling.  She had a darker coat than River, her face was blacker but she was always happy and excited to be outside, my Rain girl, just like River boy. They loved laying on my bed and even when they were full grown would both lay up there together.  Sometimes, now more often, I feel guilty for leaving him behind and moving out.  Maybe he got sick bc of all the loss in his life, I'm sure dogs can experience the same things as humans, right? Constantly following my Dad around, where ever he went.  Sitting by him at the dinner table getting up as soon as he would move his leg.  Following him around the yard while he does his yard work too.  He is a protector, didn't like anyone but his own family, always made sure he was on the look out for intruders day or night.  We always said he would have made an awesome police dog but glad that he ended up in our home.

If I could label anything in my life that is the worst thing to experince it would be a dog leaving the world.  I don't know about anyone else and quite frankly don't currently give a shit, but for me, because I am selfish Talia, it hurts, it hurts deep and I could spend days in my bed crying if it were sociologically acceptable to miss work for a week.  One thing I am happy about through this whole thing is what an amazing boyfriend I have.  I never in my life had someone who cares for me as much as he does, who worries about me like he does, and whom wants to be there for me like no one else has.  He too, is losing a pet in Syracuse and I can not even imagine what he is going through not being able to go drive out there and see her.  If it was me I would be going every weekend or as often as I could charging gas etc.  I love him so much and can't wait to marry this man because selfish Talia wants him all to herself.

Through all this my sister also had major brain surgery.  This was tough too, it came out of nowhere.  Luckily she is ok and I find myself wanting to be there for her more than I ever have.  I have a lot of things going on and I know she needs me too, along with a lot of other friends and family.  Seems like we are all going through a lot and dealing with it all in different ways but in the end I need to realize just how beneficial it is to keep people in my life rather than pushing them away so I can be alone.  I love being along when I am sad, I don't want anyone to bother me, I just want to lay in my bed and cry.  In fact crying in my car and while doing cardio are two very familiar places for me.  No one can see me in my car expect people passing by that I will never see again and when I do cardio I really don't care.  I have been to that gym long enough to know only a handful of people would even come over just to say hi.  

I am trying to be strong and for me these are my weakest moments especially for my ED.  I have been holding it together pretty well and thats all thanks to a few very important people in my life.  Andrew, Ami, Ginelle, Chelsea, Audrey, Deanna, Ashley B., Jen T., Kelley and all of my facebook girls willing to be there for me whenever I need them.  <3

Woman crushes

I thought the title might entice others to read :)  Obviously it worked because here you are!  Well yes, I do admit I have woman crushes and if we can't admit that then we are lying to ourselves.  Does it mean I will turn into a woman lover?  Nah, I have the man of my dreams (no worries Andrew).  A girl can appreciate a hot body because this is what she dreams to achieve too, all motivation, inspiration and love!  Of course I am jealous of some of ya'll out there right now but this picture above explains it all and I do have the power to change, it may take time and I have to be easy on myself and allow nmyself to make mistakes but I know I have control.

This morning I woke up and it was bright as fuck in our room.  I slightly panicked and thought holy shit it's like 1 in the afternoon and I will have time to do nothing, ridiculous thoughts going on and since I didn't have my contacts in I had to squint really hard to see that it was only......830!  YAY!!!!  So I know, laying there for a minute that there are still some junk foods in the house from yesterday....I think about what I'm going to do...go back to sleep, get up and go to the gym?  I think a big part of this disorder are the thoughts, they are so consuming, they take over sometimes and it's almost like it makes it worse to try and think differently but I know I will never change if I don't try....What will I decide?  Well I got my ass up, tossed the not so nutritious food consumption thoughts out the window and make my healthy breakfast.  I also decided to hit the gym early and as soon as I can scrape myself away from facebook and writing blogs I can get there sooner so I have time to lay poolside before my class.

Thinking ahead, I have 6 classes in the next 1.5 weeks all 8 hours and go from 845-430, more than half of me is telling myself that I better arrange to get to the gym BEFORE class because there is no way in hell I am going to want to go after.  So here I go...get ready to hit the gym, get my hamstring workout in, cardio in and then enjoy the day before class!!

Control

New job. New living situation.  Old problem. Two very huge changes in a small amount of time especially the living situation.  I have never lived with another man, not to mention a boyfriend and honestly never thought the day would come.  I do though, have someone who works hard, who moved his life for me and I feel like my old problem which is still my current problem (BN) is hindering me from being the Talia we both once knew.  

The major thing here is that I KNOW what I am capable of, I know I can lean out, stay on a competition diet and strut my sexy shit across that stage like I have been doing it for years (ok maybe not that cocky) but still, I HAVE done it before and so why is it so hard to get that back now?  Control.  Thanks to Whitney, I had an epiphany over this little but huge word! I know what I am doing, sometimes I want to do it, sometimes I know even if I try to avoid it, the thought is still there, from the time I wake up until the time I let that first bite hit my mouth.  It's hard when your body image and confidence reflects how you feel about yourself and if one is negative chances are so is the other.  I'm a waitress, have been for as long as I can remember, was doing it since I was old enough to and for those of you who don;t know, we are damn good actressess/actors.  I think the best kind!  Why?  because we have to go out on that "floor" and no matter what mood we are in, no matter what is bothering us, no matter what happened before we came in, the night before or what we are worried about happening after we have to put aside and fake being excited to serve them today even if they annoy the fuck out of us and we want to push them off of their chairs.  I also think it's control.  I can't control how much longer I have until I graduate, I can't control arguements that may happen between Andrew and I and so as much as I know I hate having an issue with food I literaly am in control and I know it that's the most fucked up part.  I wake up and KNOW it's going to happen and I ALLOW IT TO !!!  That makes no fucking sense but this disorder doesn't make any sense either, well of course it does but for me, going through it, living in it for over 5 years, it fucking sucks because it's a constant cycle.  The battle to know the difference between extremes and moderation, I once knew it but the deeper I got into fitness the further apart I spread good foods and bad foods.

The even shittier part is trying to expain this to people who have no fucking clue.  Who think a binge is eating a whole bowl of lettuce, people who barely eat three meals a day and people who question why you are carrying around a gallon of water every day!! Seriously sometimes it gets to the point where SHUT THE FUCK UP might be the next four words out of my mouth.  As I type this profanity, I also wonder whether or not taking myself off of the pill because I am inbetween health insurances and can't get my vagina checked has anything to do with my hormones.  Still, can I use that as an excuse for projection?  My boyfriend doesn't seem to think so and I know I have the control to determine whether or not he sticks around for much longer.  

After this long rant the bottom line is I know I have the control.  I choose on a daily basis all of what I consume.  Well I know I do NOT choose to give up, I do NOT choose to quit and I most definitely do NOT choose failure.  I will be a success story, I will get to the top and when I'm at the top I will give my hand to anyone who needs the help getting to that same place!  Social work power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Ginelle come with me !!!!!!

A work in progress

Being a student in the Social Work program and realizing that most of the time we will have to make a diagnosis on someone for insurance purposes is tough.  Now that I have been labeled I can see where it is important for the therapist to make sure they don't use that label or refer to it at all. I most certainly do not want to be know as the girl with an eating disorder and although I knew that had to have been apart of me for over 3 years I know now that I am slowly making the steps to get better.

So my second session was this past Tuesday and the night before my boyfriend and I got into an argument about something that I can't even remember.  I ended up eating some dorito chip mix because I was craving it and I figured why not try and just eat some.  Well I did and after I started to feel that guilt.  I then realized I had to weigh in at my appointment and suddenly I went from being ok with it to going to bed feeling depressed.

The time came to head to my appointment that day and I went with butterflies in my stomach with thoughts all about a number.  What if it's higher?  I know it is, I consumed a ton of sodium yesterday (is what I think to myself).  Sure enough I am right and I went up three pounds which absolutely killed me.  I tried not to let it show but then realized, this is for YOU Talia, let her know this is something that bothers you.  SO ..I did and I was glad I did.  She exaplained to me that the weekly weigh in is for monitoring and that I need to realize that it was ONLY three pounds. She also said she doesn't want me to have a specific goal weight in mind yet and to focus on staying within a 6lb weight range.  I know that our bodies fluctuate our weight depending on what we do/don't do, what we eat etc and so I should know this but it's very difficult to keep in mind when everything is focused on body image and how far away I am from where I want to be.

My homework for the next few weeks because she will be out of town is to do more close monitoring, to bracket off meals, to be more descriptive when I write in comments and to just to focus on eating healthy and eating the not so nutritious stuff in moderation.

This shit isn't easy, I slipped up that night because I was stressed and arguing with Andrew (ya'll are probably starting to wonder if that's all we ever do- we are over it now) but at the time as I sat there I KNEW there were chips left over and I KNEW we had to go to the store and shop and so I didn't do a Talia all out binge but I did over eat and so I call it a mini binge bc I know it could have been worse but it still happened.  This is where I also need to step into myself and look at it from a different angle, think about what I consumed and be proud that I didn't let it go further than I did.  To be honest it was nothing compared to what a normal binge for me would be and I stopped.

So today I woke up and started to feel quilty and worthless and like I mind as well binge all day since I did the night before but somehow, I don't know how..ok suppose I did, I just talked myself into eating healthy.  I thought about how much food we got that was all healthy and the fact that we didn't even have any bad food to eat anyways and the only access I had was food my dad sells downstairs but I wasn't going to get that.  So I got up and started the day and made a new recipe for my oatmeal and made the day mine!

Baby steps I will get there.  I will reach my goals.  I will binge less, I will be able to eat things in moderation, I will compete again, I will do photo shoots, I will get into Oxygen magazine and make all of my dreams come true damn it!  I WILL be a success story!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Shout out to Kelsey who is my success story idol!!!  <3

DIAGNOSED DOMESTICATION

It has been almost a month since I have written and that is just way too damn long and I mean how else am I going to talk about my life and share things other than blowing up people's news feeds on facebook twice a day.

First of all Andrew and I are officially living together and let me just say 1 thing.  If you would have told me 10 years ago that I would be living in my Grandparents apartment with my boyfriend I would have fuckin slapped you silly and died with laughter.  No way I would have believed it for a minute.  Flash forward to now and here I am sitting here waiting for him to get home.  Domestic life is ...well..it's not easy.  For so long it has been all about me and that will never change (for the most part- lmao) but now I really have to focus on not only making myself happy but making my partner happy and making us as a couple happy.  Small arguments will happen and I have to say that, basically, be jealous of my love life because Andrew is a rare breed and he's mine :)  I won't get all sappy shit on you but you get the idea, he loves me and he shows me in more ways than anyone ever has and anyone ever will (send me your address for a wedding invite).

I also nailed a new job, sweet right, a new job, where does she work now?  A big girl job? Please stop writing like this and tell us you bitch!  Big girl job? No.  Another serving job?  OF COURSE! I work at Cracker Barrel and it is WAY better than my previous job, more money, less drama, less eating of shitty food.  Hell, I don't want to be the new girl eating biscuits all day. GROSS

So now that we are finally on the topic of food, which is obviously the only reason I ever write these things, I finally went back to my counselor to get feed back from all of those weird ass tests I did.  Did I ever mention these?  Playing with blocks, trying to get them to look like the picture, describing words, comparing words, 300 questionnaire on the computer, yeah that crazy shit took 2 hours.  So what did they get out of that two hours?  That I have bulimia nervosa non purging type.  This was a shock to me, I never thought of bulemia as anything else other than someone who binged and then puked that shit up.  I alsways thought I had binge eating disorder (B.E.D) and she said she toyed with the idea but those with B.E.D do not use any compensatory behaviors.  What the fuck does that mean?  Well, once upon a time I would over exercise, sometimes I would under eat, a few times I have fasted by the majority of the time I just restricted my eating, all....the.....time...I really can't believe I am putting this out there for all to read but honestly, I know there has to be someone out there that is going through this and doesn't know how to deal so I am going to let you into my world with treatment.

The first day we talked about how things would go and I am to use a log everyday for writing down what I eat, when, where, if I thought it was excessive if I did anything to compensate and my feelings about it.  I have a sheet she printed out for me and I am to do this daily.  This doesn't bother me at all since I already track but the added thought process and writing down feelings and things I know will definitely benefit me in a huge way if I do it consistently.  I also talked with her about ways to deal with my behaviors when in stressful situations, I get frustrated, annoyed and angry easily and do not always handle it the way a 28 year old adult should.  I think most of the time I just react and there are no cognitive actions before hand and so that is why I think this aspect of it is going to help a lot.

I am excited to make myself better, to reach my goals.  I still want to compete, I still have fitness goals etc but I know I need to nip this in the ass once and for all!  I would appreciate any support I could get along the way and to pass this blog along to others that might benefit from this as well.  This is my stepping stone and I am very excited to finally have found it!

Good morning!! I am running on about 4 cups of coffee (big no no to Mr. Z, I know) and about 13 hours of sleep, minus however long I talked to Andrew last night in the middle of it all.  Honestly, there have been a few days this week where I said I needed to blog and now that I am doing it I have no clue what to write.

I will start with my eating problem.  I did not get the chance to go to my counseling appointment this week because I chose training over talking.  I pay my trainer WAY more than I pay her and I def want this so skipping the gym is NEVER an option to me.  It's crazy how dedicated I can be to that but when it comes to eating it gets so tough! My trainer has been grading me each week on my diet, the first time I was at 65% and the second time I was at 67%  I was very proud of my progress because I know that for me, a week without binging is the biggest success and second to that is slipping on my diet and not letting it drag me down to the ground which usually happens.  For anyone with a binge eating problem, who also has competed or even has big dreams of just feeling sexy and fit this issue is HUGE.  No one can explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it the feelings and emotions we go through when we think we have failed.  That first thought at failure is the little devil in our minds, and she is a complete BITCH.  She will not stop putting things in your head until you have completely screwed up to the point where you go to bed so depressed you think you won't ever come out of it.  Then when you wake up she is right there waiting for you telling you that since you already failed you mind as well keep going.  This can go on for days, weeks, even months.  So when I decide to tell her to shut the fuck up and when I eat some oreos and 2 fries but then do not let it affect me the rest of the day that success is enormous to me!  

A lot seems to be changing in my life and although I feel as if I can handle it very well it doesn't come without at least a little bit of stress.  I finally put my two weeks in at Applebee's and it felt SO good.  Yes, I know I am leaving to go to another serving job but whatever, I will be making more money and if I don't I will keep searching.  I am so happy for this change that my happiness level went up a notch just handing that piece of paper in.  

My boyfriend/soulmate/best friend is also moving here in 14 days and I can not express to anyone just how happy I am!  My parents gave us the ok to stay above the restaurant and it has been stressful bc there is no furniture up there, I put it all in a storage for when we finally get a place of our own. FUCK. Well anyways I could care less if all we had was a mattress (which is what we have now) bc I can not wait to sleep next to him every night, hang out with him when we have time off, go places together, do things together as a couple, double date, sooooo many things we can do that we couldn't do before because we are long distance.  These are all things that I dream about doing with him and get a little upset each time I see a couple out together, happy as can be.  I am incomplete without him here.  He has really put forth the effort in making sure my family knows he is there for them, to help out when needed and they all really love him!  Good thing because he's staying in the family :)

A few other thigns occur here and there but this bitch has got to stop pussy footin around and get ready for strawberry picking!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just the beginning

I have no idea what my last blog was about and to be honest I really don't care, you get what you get and if I repeat things, deal with it or don't read it.  After losing my Grandma almost 2 weeks ago, moving stuff out of her apartment, going to a wedding, having my boyfriend here and then leaving in a flash I feel like "loss" is such a huge emotion that many people over look.  Think about it, you can lose people, you can lose things, a job, a house, a pet, you can lose yourself, confidence, etc.  There are so many ways to think of loss other than death, just ponder for a moment before you move on.....

I sit here and my head slightly hurts, I have no make up on and my hair isn't done.  I just got back from UB because we all know I can't do homework at home and I am proud to say that I got done what I needed to get done and more.  The whole time though I couldn't help but think about how much I missed my boyfriend.  This weekend so many amazing things, little and big, happened that allowed me to really see how much I mean to him.  I want to start with the fact that I told my mother we wanted to get married, she was thrilled but then making sure Dad knew was another story, once he found out he wanted to have a talk with us.  I know this is the man I want to marry and I know I am the woman he wants to marry.  I never realized how badly norms have a hold on us, Andrew and I would have gone Friday afternoon or Saturday morning but everyone else seems to think there is a time period that you need to wait.  I understand people don't think we know each other but on the flip side, no one knows our relationship.  I have never felt the way that I feel, sure relationships were similar, similar things happened, but not quite like this and I know the world is on our side, here is an amazing example.  The wedding was in Tonowanda, the reception was in West Seneca, both trips occuring between 330-530 on a Friday.  Now what do YOU think traffic was like?  Let me give you an idea, the driver, ME, became moody, irritated, annoyed and tired and in the same trip and ended up snapping at the other parties in the car (it was only my mother, Andrew and I).  When we got there we stepped away to talk, we weren't on the same page, both looking off into other directions not sure of where to take it both knowing that if something doesn't happen soon the night will be ruined over something absolutely ridiculous..my mouth,,again..gee, go figure.  I was also subconsciously uneasy about the whole food situation.  What were they having to eat?  What about the cake?  Should I eat it? What if I do will I want more?  Will I want to binge later?  Will eating the cake lead to a binge?  Should I not eat it?  Horrible,,Anyways...back to us walking away from the crowd...

All of a sudden, this lady comes walking down to us with a camera, her face is lit up, her smile a mile wide.  As soon as she gets close enough, she starts spit firing questions:  Look at you two, are you too next? are you married? engaged? how long have you been dating? Little did I know that this lady would be our guardian angel today.  She asked to take a picture of us by the little creek, obviously we said yes.  She looked at the photo and was over joyed with how beautiful it turned out and she wanted to take more commenting on how she loved us together, how in love we looked just by the way we looked at each other.  When she found out we only had been dating about 3 months her jaw dropped to the floor.  Long story short she got a bunch of shots of us looking at each other and what she captured was what we both needed to see, and exactly what we needed to get us out of the funk we were in.  Needless to say, we walked back to table 10 a happy couple again.  Food update on the wedding- I had the cake, a small slice with a scoop of ice cream and some candy.  At the end right before leaving, I strayed back over to the candy and Andrew was there to take it out of my hands and save me :)

Fast forward to the next morning when we are supposed to move most of my Grandma's furniture to a storage unit in Williamsville.  My dad gets there and said his truck wouldn't start.  I go tell Andrew and not even 5 seconds later he has his coat on and is out the door after my dad to try and fix it.  Meanwhile I start taking shit down, including a wooden table on my back, awesome morning workout.  I had to take the SUV there and unload and get everything set with the storage unit, come back and get to work by noon.  Although the morning was rushed I sometimes feel like I get a rise out of these types of situations, I like a fast paced world.  Anyways, I am at work, hear nothing, a few hours later get a picture of a couch stuck in the stair way and five minutes later an employee telling me to check my section.  Andrew was sitting there for like 10 minutes!  Turns out my dad's truck dying was life's way of saying Andrew and my Dad needed some time together!  Everything turned out perfect, he fixed the truck and my dad ended up passing down a kitchen chair with arm rests on it called the "Captain's Chair" to Andrew.  Once was his fathers and now Andrew's, you could only imagine my facial expressions at this point, my mind going wild thinking about my dad and my boyfriend bonding, something that has never happened, EVER to this extreme.  Add to that my sister giving him a hug and I am 99% sure that my family has not only accepted him but would love for him to be in the family!!

Words can not express what this weekend meant to me and I hope that when everyone reads this they can feel how I feel right now.  Although I am sad that he is back in Brewerton and I am unsure of when I will see him again I am so extremely happy that I have a man that loves me as much as he does and not only tells me but shows me.  Shows me by doing what he can for my family, helping them, talking to them and just being him.  He makes me better, he makes me stronger, he makes me happy.  He is my best friend, my boyfriend, my soulmate <3

Live your life

I have some time before I have to serve the patrons of Applebee's and I figured what better way than to spend this time blogging.  Let's go back to yesterday when I woke up, yes I know yesterday is over and I do not really like to stick my head into the past but I need you to understand the series of events that occured as they occured.

7:30am- Something is licking my face.  Oh, HI RIVER, no I am not getting up to let you out.  I look at the clock and see the time and find it odd that my dad never shut my door.  I have to pee. Screw it, I'm going back to bed.  Not even 5 minutes later I wake up to the phone ringing and ringing and ringing, WTF.  I am not supposed to be rising for another 3 damn hours, I STILL have to pee, FINE.  I get up and go to the bathroom noticing that in the kitchen the coffee pot is out but no coffee is made, the tablespoon is hanging out of the filter in the pot.  Hmmm...weird.....I think nothing of it and pee and then the phone starts ringing again.  I answer it, it's my dad telling me my mom and I better get over to my Aunt's, my grandma isn't going to make it much longer :(  Wow...Not a god start to the day :(  

7:55am- Get to my Aunts, tons of cars in the road/drive way, get inside and the priest is saying prayers over her.  OMG, this is it, I am seriously walking into death, I do not know if I can handle this, but I stay, and cry, and just listen.  

9:00am- She is still holding on, the nurse came and checked on her, moved her, made her look more comfortable, for someone who is dying I am not sure how comfortable or uncomfortable you really feel? All of my family is pretty much there, sitting around, chatting.  I know I have to work at noon and there are some debates going on in my head about whether or not to call in.  If I call in and she doesn't die today will I have a harder time calling in when she actually DOES pass?  It really sucks worrying about whether or not I will get written up when a family member is passing but for reals corps are sick (if you have ever worked for one you know what I mean).

10:00am- I decide to go home and get ready for work, better to keep my mind on doing something, making money instead of wallowing alone which is what I have been doing a lot of lately.  As soon as I step foot into my car I think to myself of how I do NOT want this to end in me turning to food for yet the 4725789046th time. I will NOT do it because I know what it will do to me and I can't have that shit!

3:00pm- Already out of work and at Glen Falls to do some reading, get some sun and talk to my boyfriend before I hit the gym.  I thoroughly enjoyed woring for less than 3 hours, making 50 bucks and being able to still enjoy the hottest time of the day.  Yes folks this is why I am still waitressing, not to mention the fact that I am still in school, interning and it makes it a hell of a lot easier to take time off for mini/random vacations, especially to meet soul sisters and support my closer than actual friends through facebook :)

5:15-630- Cardio multi tasked with reading for my Monday class and then a good training session with Brian.  I admitted to my binge on Tuesday and I felt my inner dissappointment as he dropped his chin to his chest after telling him about my oreo consumption.  The session ended well with praise towards my physical strength and a glimpse into his hopes for my inner strength.

645-  The ride home, probably the best part of the day, the sun is shining, the sky is blue, everthing seems so vivid and green.  Chris Brown's "Beautiful People" comes on the radio and I am dancing, smiling and loving the moment.  In that moment I thought to myself; "this is the real me, here she is, fun, excited about life, living and loving it"  Go read the lyrics here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/chrisbrown/beautifulpeople.html

As in any pop/dance song like this, the words get repeated over and over but the content of them is what means the most, your beauty is inside, don't you know, live your life, it's yours, let it ride.

10:10ish- In my room, facebooking and listening to this song and my mom comes in and tells me she has passed.  I feel nothing at first, but then realize I was playing the above song before/right when she came in.  I truly believe that this song is my message from her that my beauty is inside that I need to love myself, live my life, to take my time and never let anyone bring me down.

Today I went to my first counseling session and it went very well.  I didn't cry, but it felt so good to just talk about me, my life, and know that someone was ACTIVELY listening on the other side, assessing, conjuring up thoughts to help me think of ways they can help.  I know I am strong but more recently I have felt so weak, so vulnerable, so lonely, and I feel a sense of hope and like my boyfriend always tells me, that everything will be ok <3

Funky Chunky Monkey!

Hi folks!  Yes, it's been awhile, honestly, I was avoiding you all like no tomorrow.  I didn't want to admit to what I have been up to.  The last time I wrote to ya'll I came back from Iowa and bragged about how awesome I did staying on plan while nearly in the middle of the United States and on a mini vacation.  Well when I came back it didn't stay like that.  That very day, like clock work coming back from a vacation in the airport I was a huge BITCH.  Never fails, put me anywhere in the world for how ever long and I will be FINE until I am left in the airport that will take me to my first plane ride home.  Something comes over me, oh yes, called reality and I project anger to anyone that gets in my way, sorry Andrew (unfortunately he usually gets most of my wrath).  

Fast forward a few days later and I am FINALLY on my way to Brewerton (small town outside of Syracuse) I was getting irritated because I had to take this massive piece of butcher block to him and go to my sisters for a drawer so he can assist in the making of her birthday gift, a kitchen island.  So of course Talia ends up the middle chic once again.  FINALLY cruising using my mapquest and it says I will arrive at about 10 after 6.  whatevs.  So I am driving along and I see the city starting to get closer, I immediately think this is WRONG but do not want to die on an unknown thruway trying to re calculate it on the map.  Sure enough it took me to madison street in SYRACUSE and not Madison avenue in BREWERTON. Epic fail mapquest, I mean geez you couldn't even offer me the option between street and avenue first and THEN ask if I mean Brewerton??  So here I am near the city, trying to figure out how to get back on the thruway going the right way, in the mean time the google map has me frozen in time and I have to figure it out on my own.  I am crying at this point.  People are looking at me in awe, wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.  

All of my intentions were with me in my lunch bag for the 1.5 days I was there, did I use any of it?  Well yes, I made him some oatmeal Ami style!! Everything else was junk junk and more junk.  The two of us are horrible together.  I say I want pizza and he says no, I ask again 10 minutes later and he tip toes around asking me why and if I can or not.  DAMN IT LET'S JUST DO IT.  If it's anything I hate it's someone getting in the way of my eating when I have already decided I want to do it.  One thing is for sure, we are already a happy couple but we will definitely be fat and happy if I don't cut the shit.  We even had a whole conversation about this, my goals, what I want, etc and even on the ride home I find myself wallowing.  I end up hitting the gym on the way back and I feel fantastic but by the end of the night am back at it in pure loneliness, missing my boyfriend.  This has continued since then and I feel as if the more and more I think about it the more I come to the conclusion that now it's me not knowing how to deal with even more feelings.  This time feeling like a part of me is missing.  I have started over a billion times and have failed a billion and one.  I start to think I now have to leave Andrew out of this part of my life for fear he will get fed up with me for failing, for crashing and burning AGAIN or talking about food and feelings for the 26th time.

This is the hardest thing I have EVER had to conquer.  I tried snowboarding a few times and even though I never fully learned bc of a broken arm and a continuation of no health insurance I kepy getting back up when I WAS on that hill and I learned enough to get down without falling a few times.  Since then I can not think of anything that has been this difficult that I have had to overcome except human and pet death and in all honesty I definitely think I had a harder time with pet losses than I did humans #truthsorry

I know there is some sort of solution for me and I am starting to see a counselor on Friday.  Why you may ask?  Well for the obvious reason with my food issues but because I have the food issues and am at a higher weight I also have body dismorphic issues too which I feel will just keep me in a huge circle until I firgure out how to break it.  All I ask out of life during this time, during where I figure out how to get back to where I was happy with myself, is that those who are closest to me NEVER give up on me and always always remind me that as long as I never give up I will only move forward!!

This weekend was seriously a game changer for me.  I am not talking about drastic life changes like getting married or having a baby or some shit I am talking about in my fitness world.  Now, I am not going to beone of those people that say I eat clean ALL of the time because I don't.  If you know anything about me in fact you should know that quite the opposite is true, I LOVE food.  I am ITALIAN, my family owns a pizzaria and if I didn't gain weight just by looking at it I would have my own show on the food network called Talia vs. Food!  I am pretty close to 100% sure I could kill some of those challenges!!!

Anyways, I went to meet my friend Ami in Iowa and I had a fucking blast! Yes, I did meet Ami on the internet, no it wasn't a dating website and no I am not a lesbian, although some might beg to differ from all the pics of hot chics I post.  I will tell you this, if this currently relationship doesn't last I more than likely will become bi but since I don't want to be a negative Nancy and wait for bombs to drop I am going to say, highly unlikely.  :)  

ANYWAYS...I use that word a  lot don't I?  Well I flew in on Thursday and I swear it was like a scene out of a movie when I was coming down the elevator and saw her I ran to her!!! ahhaha, no seriously, I did, and she ran back!  Ami is an amazing person, she is very determined and strong willed and has strengths I do not seem to possess.  I feel like when I was there that we were reuniting after years and years of not seeing each other, it felt like we have known each other for years.  I haven't had that much fun with a "girlfriend" in a long time and it really sucks that she is so far away but I promised a return flight to cheer her on at her competition.  Considering we met through a facebook Team Fit group, and she is training for a competition our weekend was full of working out and eating healthy besides our cheat meal.  Never in my life would I have thought I would ever go on a vacation and get up at 5am to workout!  Never in my life would I have thought that I would eat something called Slutty Brownies and not turn it into a binge.  I have made huge strides since a few weeks ago and I know progress will be slow to get me back to where I feel sexy again but it will ALL be worth it!  I am so thankful for being able to stay with her, she fed me, did my wellness evaluation (can't wait to have it done see how much I have improved), and gave me strength in the gym!! I couldn't have asked for a better vacation and I was so sad to leave!

Now that I am back in Buffalo I find myself wanting to do dishes lol!  I also feel as if I have become stronger in the department of binging.  The last time I did it was May 4th and although I haven't been perfect, I have eaten some things that are not so nutrition I can honestly say I have not binged since then.  I also know I am not scot free, a counselor called me today and I need to call he back to set up sessions but I feel a little more at ease knowing that the plan I am currently doing is not so set in stone and that I am learning how to eat in a healthy manner, and trying not to connect feelings to food.  The other day my boyfriend and I had a not so great conversation, I felt myself getting anxious, tense and frustrated, I had to walk away for a minute but then I felt like I wanted to comfort myself with food.  I knew I had to distract myself and I did, I was able to talk to myself and tell myself that food wouldn't solve any of the issues I had with Andrew at the time, that food would just make things worse, that I didn't want the additional feelings on guilt and anxiety of going through a binge when I had done so well all weekend even after a cheat meal!  I really do not think ya'll know how HUGE that is!!

I am taking my strength and moving forward.  Have I had a few extra bites of potato salad today? (fuck yes I did and I am glad I did because by the time I got home today the rest of it was gone- thank god), did I have a bunch of pretzels today?(yes I did, I was craving something salty and crunchy damn it!)  Do I feel guilty because I did this? Yes.  Did I binge? No.  What was different about this time?  I feel like I am allowing myself to not be so strict.  I am not training for a competition yet and although seeing a competition this weekend really made me feel like shit I know I need to really just learn how to eat to make this a lifestyle so that when I do start training again I will be ready to give it all I have inside of my instead of giving 80%.  I know the things I need to change, I know I am not perfect, I understand I don't need to be perfect right now but I also know my dreams, I know what I want to achieve and I know there are things I need to focus on before I can get there and right now it's getting my mind right, changing my thought process about food, eating for fuel, satisfying cravings but not letting it affect my emtotions and continuing to realize that food will not change anything other than huger!

Stick on's

Not quite sure what I talked about my last blog. Crap.  Hold on, now I have to look.  OK so I left off with how I hit rock bottom, I saw a counselor, my boyfriend is amazing and I am meeting with my trainer.  Well things have changed since then besdies my boyfriend still being amazing.  Somehow, someway he manages to make me fall more in love with him each day.  Stop looking at me like that foxy loxy ;)

ok stop. hault all blogging until I calm down from watching Jenna Marbles.  Seriously, I want to meet this chick, she is fucking awesome.  What caffeine does is the ones I just watched and I swear I couldn't breather because I was laughing so fucking hard.  Seriously Ami, I think when I come to Iowa we need to make one of these!! you down?!

Phew. Ok, back at this blog.  So people, I met with my new trainer on Sunday and was at the gym with him on Monday and today.  I am very thrilled about how this is going to work for me and I basically just need to make my weakest link which is my mind my strongest point.  Easy right? nah, not really.  I have about a decade of thoughts and habits to undo, fuck it, make it two decades, I mean I was eating at 8, right?  Anyways, so far so good and although I still haven't been hooked up with a counselor I have been doing things different on my own.  I need to change my mind and that is going to be the hardest part.  The biggest thing I am working on right now is not allowing myself to take myself down.  I constantly beat myself up for eating bad things and then like the saying goes, stab the rest of my tires because one is flat.  Interestingly enough I am not counting calories right now.  This was a HUGE shock to me but since I am not competing (yet)  I know I am ok with this.  I still weigh and measure things but not everything.  I can't give up doing it 100% because I know once I get back into prep mode it will be harder.  I really just want to eat healthy, get in shape, get the body I know I have under these layers of fat and allow myself to become better not only physically but mentally as well.  I have a lot of dreams and aspirations and things I want to do in the fitness world and I can do them but there are some things I need to re learn first to better myself.

I am lucky to have the people around me that I need to keep me on solid ground, to slap me back to reality and help me reach these goals.  Especially my soul sister Ami whom I finally get to meet TOMORROW!  That's right, I am headed to Iowa, first vacation solo which I am super pumped about and spending it with her is going to make it even better.  I have connected with her in a way I never really have with other friends and considering she is so far away I definitely think our paths were meant to cross.  We have some serious plans to workout together, cook together, see a competition together and especially looking forward to cheating with her! Sounds soooo dirty, well with slutty brownies it will be!  

I am pretty sure that May is my month, I have done a lot of things and will be doing many more and it's all for ME. Selfish bitch Talia at it again! 

No whammies!!

The last time I wrote was about a week ago and that is a week too long and too much of Talia's like ya'll have missed.  The visit with my boyfriend was amazing, I find myself though, more often than not, becoming sad thinking about him leaving rather than enjoying the time I have with him.

My intake session was this past Thursday but can I just start this off with how awful I had been with eating.  I feel like ever since I said I was postponing doing another competition that I have let myself become too lax and it didn't all start like that.  I was still in school, still interning at the time and so things were super stressful.  One of my major triggers for binges, being stressed and not knowing how to deal with it.  For someone who is 28 and experienced a lot of life and is going to school to eventually be a LCSW you would think I had the tools to help myself.  I used the good ole get on the scale scare tactic and there sure as fuck worked.  I am at the highest weight I have ever been, the lowest confidence I have ever had and I don't even think there is an ounce of real self-esteem left over to hold me over until I get my fit body back.  I felt like I had hit rock bottom and I couldn't wait to get to that appointment that I went there a day early.  Sat there on Wednesday afternoon, body filled with anxiety over all of this, a sadness over taken my by the remembrance of my friend Tim that died 3 years ago exactly to that day.  I had been having such a rough time with everything that I just wasn't sure everything would ever be ok all I was doing was continuing to stuff my face day after day.  I felt my body getting puffier and puffier but I didn't care because I kept making rediculous excuses that honestly if I would have told them to anyone they would have laughed in my face but to me, to me they were good enough.

The intake session was like your everyday average psychological assessment, questions asking about OCD, panic disorder, bidpolar disorder, depression, all text book DSM diagnosis.  I hope I made it pretty clear that I am normally a pretty happy individual but this has taken over me.  The worst thing about it is that it's everywhere.  I can't just stop eating, and it seems as if I always somehow manage to be around conversations involving how someone "ate bad over the weekend" or was "cheating today" and everything else.  I worked out afterwards then came home and started to read outside and then came inside to get something to eat, made the mistake of eating something that triggered me into another binge.  Pathetic is what I felt like.  Will I ever fucking get a fucking grip?  The next morning I weighed myself and I was absolutely petrified at what I saw "this can't go on any longer" I prepped myself with "You have to do something about this" 

Yesterday and today I have survived without binging, I also went through the whole day not tracking a single calorie, just being mindful, allowing myself to eat things I enjoy but knowing that eventually I will have to start calorie counting again, but I can't lie, I feel very free.  I am goign to try and see how much I can shave off that scale in the next 7days and when I am in IOWA it will be like a fuckin epiphany, being on vacation, finally united with my soul sister Ami!  An epiphany becayse I have never been on a vacation where I wasn't going to be eating bad, drinking all weekend long and not wortking out.  As a matter of fact we have planned to do everything jsut the opposite and I can NOT wait.

On another really good note I am happy to say that I have the BEST boyfriend on the planet.  I seriously do not know how I have been able to be involved with someone that cares for me in the way that Andrew does and I hope the love we have for each other lasts a lifetime!!!  <3

I also meet with a new trainer tomorrow.  I have decided I need more accountablity and I would get this by working directly with someone at the gym I go to.  I am really excited about it and am keeping my head up and my heart and mind positive!!!

Thanks for reading..

Being loved

This weekend my boyfriend came up and surprised me by sitting in my family restaurant before I got there.  I had a horrible day at Apleebee's Friday morning, cried on the way to this job and when I got there I was just sooooo happy.  We had an amazing weekend together minus a few squabbles but life isn't perfect, right?  Friday night we stayed at my friend Nicole's house.  Saturday he hung out with me and sat in my section at work then we went to visit my Grandma at my Aunt and Uncle's house.Saturday night we stayed at my sister's house.  At this point I am just so happy that food, no matter what it is just keeps coming into my mouth with no regard.  Sunday we went walking through the trails out by a creek by my house, it was a gorgeous day, he got to meet a friend of mine I have known for 20 years now.  After that we went to another park and then chilled at my house before he left.  I started to become upset and overwhelmed with sadness that I was suddenly emotionless the last few hours before he left.  I knew eventually he would have to leave and it always comes over me like a ton of bricks.  I started crying before we even went outside.  I know I am very lucky, he cares about me and loves me in ways no one has ever showed me before.  As I sit here though, and realize he is gone and I do not know when I will see him again I start to reflect on myself.  I have let my eating get out of control, I have let myself get comfortable with being a happy couple that just eats and deep down I know this is not me.

I would like to tell the world here that Wednesday is my first counseling appointment.  I can't believe I am even talking about this on here but I finally realized that this was the only way I was going to help myself.  I have so many people in my life I can talk to but I feel extremely overwhelmed because of everything going on.  I feel like I have gotten to a point where I can't figure out how to figure anything out on my own, how to cope and how to get back to that person I was 6 months ago.  I feel like when I talk about this to people that I am also being like the boy who cried wolf who keeps saying I willstop binging and then I do it again and that now it's to the point where no one believes me anymore.  What I need to recognize is that I need to believe myself.  As I think about this intake session and filling out the paperwork and answering questions on it about what is wrong, the more I think I want to back out that I can do this alone but I know better than that.  I know I need a nuetral being who will help me sort everything out and not give me the answers but to take that 1 hour and help me just conquer things one by one on my own with no one else's opinions, remarks, suggestions but my own.  It has been so long since I have made a decision for myself, I am too focused on the opinions of others that I stopped making my own choices.  I am excited to start this for myself and help myself get to where I want to be instead of constantly being stuck in this same spot over and over.

Today I will start with accepting the fact that I am not perfect and being ok with it.  There is no reason to beat myself up over the little things. I need to move past those things and realize what is in front of me!!!

Imperfect

Today is a new day, again, and lucky me for being able to wake up in tears, right? Not.  Can I just please confess about yesterday?  Since this is Talia uncensored and the whole point of this blog is to be super blunt about this ED it wouldn't help to leave things out, right?  I did perfectly fine all day.  As a matter of fact, I had a great hamstring workout and went to work feelin good.  Had all of my food with me, we have three servers on that's how dead it has been on Mondays.  We also had a storm warming so they were expecting us to beslower than usual, they were correct.  I was freaking out all day about my five minute presentation.  I had to have my sister hack into my laptop and send me a document I had to print out.  I also had to print out brochures for my whole class and was worried I wouldn't be able to do so from the school computers (I don't know why I didn't think they would print out as brochures, it's  university campus in the year 2012).

So fast forward to about that time, you know, right before I leave when I think it's a fantastic idea to eat the fuckin almonds, which then leads to eating the honey roasted pecans because my thought process tells me it's ok, you are leaving soon, they are out of oreos and so there is no way this is going to lead to anything else.  Well it didn't but it stirred up the guilt, the frustration, the "how-many-calories-did-I-really-eat" thoughts.  When I finally got on campus and sat down the first thing I did was log into my dailyplate and became overwhelmed with the fact that I was already WAY over my calories and it was only 5.  FML.  I shouted out to my FitStruggle girls and they told me not to starve all night but to eat the salad I wasw going to avoid eating because I didn't want to be extremely over my calories.  I did my presentation, had my salad after and was feeling awesome.

I get home, find out my mom, after over three years finally went for a check up at the doctor!!! HOLY SHIT BALLS I almost had a heart attack myself.  It is here though that when I flash back, I had a bag of almonds in my hand, put them away but was still hungry...hmm here are some croutons, fuck it, I can have a few and be fine.  NOPE.  Cereal and cookies. No, not just one bowl and no not just one cookies. WHAT. THE. FUCK. seriously...how did I do so good all day and ruin it in a matter of 5 minutes? 

Long chat with the boyfriend, Bed and then wake up in the morning from a dream that had me literally in tears.  Doesn't matter what it was but it was emotional enough for me to have my laying in bed thinking "i-really-want-to-just-eat-bad" WHAT, WHAT, WHAT is going on?  So I start texting my understanding girlie friends, which one of them BTW I get to meet in 16 days!  Holy shit!  I am going to Iowa!  How fun!!! A place I have never been!!!  I get the positive things I need, the texts to tell me I need to get out of this negative mindset, that life is strange but I can move on, that food is not going to make me feel better and to talk it out with them.  Also, while I was facebooking I made the call for an appointment for a counseling session and I know I will be watching my phone like a damn owl hunting it's prey.  

Anyways...I know I can make today a success and I will do just that but I also have to rearrange my objectives for my goal since I was unsuccessful I will have to start over and so I add to these objectives:

--no more eating any food at Applebee's or LaPaloma's that I haven't brang for myself to eat!

I can roast this day!

I can be successful!

I can be annoying to all of my friends with my text messages about food!

I will over come this!!

Healthy

I truly believe that being healthy occurs in more ways than we are accustomed to.  Of course when we think about being healthy the first thing we think about is exercise, and eating right.  What though about having a healthy mind?  Do you think you can be healthy and workout 5x a week, eat clean but have a high stress load is considered healthy?  I know my biggest struggle is having a healthy mind and I know most, if not the majority of it stems from dieting thoughts and behaviors learned too early on to realize they were all the wrong approach.

I have been seeing and trying to read all of the articles that my fit bitches post on facebook (I hope I don't offend anyone by saying fit bitches lol).  Some of them are about how the competition dieting/ extreme diets over time can do so much damage.  I have been [to-the-clueless-people-on-a-healthy-lifestyle] dieting since May of last year, competed in October, took some time "off" then started dieting again.  Honestly, do I have any idea what this means?  Yes. Did I do it correctly? NO. Why?  binging and because when I started a long time ago trying to change the way I look I destroyed the way I should think.

I am working on changing that and trying to live a healthy life but reaching my dreams along the way!  So far I want to say that today is day two with my goal, yesterday was a huge success and I can't wait to come back on here and say how successful I was today too!  I am not going to lie, I had cravings all day yesterday and today I am too but I know I don't need to eat junk food.  That type of food will not fuel my body, I have taken off from the gym yesterday and today, back at it tomorrow and so on lifting days I will still be incorporating a lunch dessert for myself!  Cheerio!

I can

Starting the day off right with a nice sweet blog.  I wandered through the grocery store last night debating on whether or not I should pick up another notebook to write my thoughts in and then I thought no don't do that you have your handy dandy blog. I wonder how many people actually read these things but whatever.  There I go again....thinking about other people.

Well today I have all of my meals plannned out and ready to go, this is the first step to my success.  I also need a goal and so I have come here to plan that out too.  

Talia will, in the next 7 days follow her meal plan 70/70/160 and not binge as evidenced by her dailyplate account on livestrong.com where everything will be logged on a daily basis.

Objective 1:  Make sure all food needed is in the house

Objective 2:  Make sure you go check ahead of time that food for that day is available so you may take the necessary steps to obtain it before that day starts

Objective 3:  A binge starts by taking the first bite of something that can trigger: eating more, negative thoughts, self-sabotage

Objective 4:  Text someone, S.O.S. on the internet, post on a group BEFORE taking that first bite, saying what it is I want to eat, where I am, what my feelings are at that time, if I am bored, frustrated or having a bad day

That's it for now..I will be working a double shift today trying to make $354.16 to pay off my cell phone bill, it's raining which is a HUGE indicator of the level of business Applebee's will get today, so everyone do their rain dance!!! 

Where to begin..

It's insane how one day we can be fine and then the next everything seems so completely overwhelming that we forgot how we dealt with it the first time and revert back to old habits.  For myself, being in the MSW program I have learned that there are a lot of people out there in the world that have worse issue than myself.  I know for a fact if we all put our problems in a pile and left with someone else's we would wish for ours back but for me it's a struggle to understand why I have this food issue and everyday I think to myself "couldn't I just have a different struggle?"  Deep down though I know that once I can understand it and work through it, I will be glad I didn't get struck with a different issues.  I had another rough day today and I am just so filled with different anxieties and worries and I can't sort them out on my own any more.  I have an amazing boyfriend who says all the right things and friends whom I have never met that live miles and miles away that give me support and people closer that I know have my back but when it all comes down to it it's not what they tell me or suggest it's what I do.  What I I I I I I I DO!

  I am not sure why I can not get it through my head that I am in control of this exactly the same way I was in control yestersay and came out on top.  Today. Not so much.  This struggle is like no other, it's frustrating and it's mentally taxing because it causes a spiral of thoughts.  Let me just let you into the mind set for a minute.  I am currently in a "bulking "phase" for those of you who have no fucking idea what that means it basically means I am putting on muscle, increasing weight, a mind fuck all on it's own.  From being almost competition ready to in a bulking phase is extremely difficult.  I naturally have a bigger build for my upper body and "bulk" faster and I can already tell.  I was telling a few people earlier this afternoon about how uncomfortable I felt, it's frustrating to be a girl and want to be sexy lean and trim but I wanted to give myself the time to do this right.  So the frustration from not feeling confortable in my own skin, then the boredom at work.  I held out for a really long time, and then I tripped.  Immediately I knew I had to S.O.S. and Andrew is the most amazing man that has ever been in my life (ok minus my dad, no one tops him..EVER, so don't even try).  Anyways I know all along, all day everyday that it's all ME that has to decide where to go and it's so much easier for people to say "pick up and move on" when it's not them and I give the same advice when it's soemone else but when it comes to me I have never been able to do it, except ONCE... DAMN IT Ginelle...I know this IS the exception isn't it....

That just caught me in my tracks..

I need to make the giant leap into the world of a therapist.  I can no longer juggle these thoughts, emotions, feelings, life situations and environmental changes going on around me alone anymore.  I just have so much going on in my head that I have no idea how to sort it out anymore, everything over laps, everything falls on top of each other.  One day I have it all under control and the next sets me off and I stab all of my tired so I go nowhere instead of only having one and fixing it.

All of this is more difficult to go through than most people could ever imagine and I know it's getting in the way of reaching my dreams but WHEN I get to the top I know I will have an amazing success story taking Ginelle, Ron, Andrew, Ami and all of my fit bitches with me!!!!! I love every single one of you for taking the time to get to know me, to help me, to reach out to me, to think of me, you all have no idea how much you mean to me and I hope that one day when I am a successful social working, fitness model, bikini pro that I can help someone that struggles too!!!!!

A day in the life....

Wake up at 8, knew immediately I could not hold my pee in for another hour before my alarm went off.  Quickly raced to the bathroom and fell back alseep as soon as I came back.  Woke back up again and the first thing that comes to mind, my fuckin Verizon Bill. FTS.  I get out of bed, glad I decided on not getting up to workout.  I knew I wouldn't have had a decent workout on that little of sleep.  ANYWHOS...my mom gets up and starts walking around, comes near me and says that Grandma is in the hospital.  Really? ?!?!  I already feel the anxiety of this day building up inside of me.  Feelings of frustration over my phone bill, powerless over not being able to do anything about my Grandma and then when I eventually start getting ready for my internship I can't find my boots, the outfit I put on looks like shit, the second shirt I put on looks like crap, now I am starting to become miserable.  I hate the way everything looks, why did I binge?  Why do I binge?  I hate myself right now...I throw a shirt on I am pretty sure I wore last week, I'm getting serious now, throwin the hair in a pony and puttin the hoops on.  I head out the door, running late and honestly not even giving a shit knowing I still have to get gas, food and absolutely and energy drink.  Get to the gas station, feelin sassy, then get to tops.  At this point I feel anger, rage, I want to listen to Tom C. music all day long and wallow.  

::PAUSE::  this is a vulnerable situation for me, I am angry, upset, a walking ball of emotions and I am about to enter a grocery store with accessible bulk foods,,,chocolate..almonds...candy

Resume.... I walk into the store thinking to myself: you know what Talia?  This is your chance, this is your chance to take control.  Ask yourself what you want.  Do you want to feel like you did before you left the house trying on clothes for 5 minutes not liking how you look in any of them or picking out and wearing the first outfit you take out of the closet knowing before you even put it on that you will look amazing.  Confidence comes from you Talia, no one else, change comes from you, no one else, this is your opportunity, you chance to show yourself that you have what it takes to get to where you want to be.  Think carefully before you make horrible eating decisions.  As I walked out, I felt so proud carrying my bag of romaine, tuna, nuts, sugar free balsamic and an ABS magazine... proof...

This is my life...my decisions...my chocies..all of them lead to where I want to go.....so fast forward to my internship, had my evaluations done this week for this whole shebang and they both went really well.  I am proud of myself for the skills I have learned, the friends I have made and the professional development I have gained from this experience.  Also today, one of our clients made me think of myself, how I am dealing with change, anxieties and being taken out of a comfort zone for a relationship.  I do know though that sometimes (and I KNOW it's true for this time, at least for right now I do, I know I can't predict the future and if something doesn't turn out the way we think we must eventually move on but for now I can say I KNOW) that sometimes we have to take ourselves out of that comfort zone to grow, develop and change for the better.

Afterwards I went tanning and then to Verizon to deal with this whole bill.  I made some friends with some of the employees, all admiring my Noosa Tri-'s (hell yeah I should wear these babies EVERYWHERE) I was dressed in my gym gear and lookin fresh hahah.  So eventually I got paired up with Adam, and he helped me get 180$ off of my bill bringing it down to $354 instead of $534.. is that math correct?  Anyways, I was super stoked because he said $200 would be the max they would offer so I took the $180.  

FINALLY got to the gym, had an awesome chest workout and then went to check to see what time yoga was going on or if they even had a class tonight.  730-830 and it was already 750 so I asked a few folks if it would be 100% rude to jump in, they didn't think so and honestly I didn't give a shit, I wanted to test it out so I tip toed in and only disturbed one person, but then the rest were confused when they looked around and saw a newbie.  Regardless it was like best 40 minutes of the day!!!!!!  I have found a new love, I can't wait to go again.  It was just so relaxing and I definitely need to be more limber at my old age! 

Well folks, this is getting quite long and I am sure ya'll are tired of reading by now but I am proud to say a shitty ass day turned out just fine..now....if only my Grandma would be better......

I love my Grandma

Went to bed last night at about 2am with an extremely BAD 'tude.  I was messin around with my iphone, obviously, setting up email notifications and I so I came across my Verizon-bill-is-ready email.  First of all, just seeing the damn email to start off makes me wallow for a second and curl my lip but I decided to check it out because it would have been my last LOW bill since I got my iphone.  I open it and it says.... $534.60.  I almost fuckin crapped my pants.  So after logging in and clicking and trying to figure out where the fuck this extra 400 came from I finally founhd the usage details.  4 bucks here, 13 bucks there, 45 cents, little by littler every single time I talked to my boyfriend or my long distance fit soul sister before 9pm.  FOOL!! FOOL!! I am such a fucking fool!! Talia, you have had a verizon phone for HOW LONG?  You know Andrew doesn't have Verizon, you know it's FREE after 9, you KNOW you can't be gabbin away for hours on end during PEAK MINUTES!!!!!!  As I sit here and breathe deeply while my body experiences a slight panic attack I realize I can blame no one but myself, going to have to work hard and suck it up because I would take any of those minutes back anyways =]  

Let's rewind back to the beginning of the day, woke up bright and early to prep my food for the day, even cooked breakfast and packed it up so I wouldn't eat so early.  My internship was awesome.  I got to try out my Teamwork Hunt.  We pretended we were pirates (yes, proof on Facebook), clues were hidden around the room and they have figure them all out to get to it.  I will definitely miss all of those kids!! Well most of them and I find myself wondering what they will be like in 10 years.....

So I finally get to work, have my meals, made a delicious salad when I get there, and as the time ticks I get to the point where I am bored and looking for food. I sent out my first iPhone S.O.S and it worked like a charm! really refocused myself, not to mention my boyfriend is really great at doing that too =] I Since my carbs have gone up I asked the cook to grill me up some shroomies.  Didn't think he actually would but they were DELICIOUS, I also knew it was about time to eat so I threw some pico de gallo along with chicken and ate a green pepper and was fine.  The end of the night got a little busy as I got stuck with the 10 kids who come in every damn Wednesday and barely order anything so I feel busier than I really am.  I also had a few guys that came in after their shift from work, and I discovered again one of the main reasons I love being a waitress is talking to people.  One guy was 26, the other about 33 and it seems sometimes that business people don't really want to chat with their waitress but I figured hell, it's happy hour, they are eating boneless wings, they seem legit.  If it's one thing I am grateful for of myself it's my personality.  I love being friendly and thanks to my mom, more nosey as I age.  This is also one of the MAJOR things I will miss if I ever get a big girl job....

Fast forward back to the end of the night and we are back to my Verizon bill.  UGH.  I decided to sleep since 8 of sleep > 5 hours of sleep and get my workout in after my internship since we are done a little bit earlier than usual.  I honestly can not WAIT to get to the gym I am going to walk into that place looking like the happiest girl on the damn planet and all I can say is, no one better be taking up my incline BB!!!  Pushin heavy weights!!!!!!